Snowball

This is shaping up to be One Of Those Weeks. The kind of week where tiny things snowball into one giant crummy week. So I'm gonna whine about it.

I don't feel good. I have felt bad for a week or two, but it was low-grade crappiness rather than anything awful. I assumed that I'm developing allergies since my symptoms are all sinus related. Over the weekend it blossomed into a cough, drainage, congestion, headache, sore throat and nausea... oh and occasional dizziness. Blech. Since I'm (finally) not nursing anymore, I can take medicine (yay!), but it all seems to just make me feel fuzzy and dehydrated instead of better.

Our new pool guy quit. Even better, he quit by not showing up or calling and now refusing to answer our calls. We were kind of depending on him, and have been a bit busy of late, so we're on the verge of having algae AGAIN after having just spent our entire savings account to clean up the last algae outbreak.

All of my clothes are worn out. Most have tiny holes, sweat stains and/or don't fit. It's too hot for this shit. Since we emptied our savings account for the pool, I'm stuck with what I have.

We're trying to plan a 50th wedding anniversary celebration for my in-laws. It's like herding cats. So frustrated!

My daughter doesn't feel great either. She has chosen to act like a jerk pretty much every time we leave the house. Yesterday she BIT me when it was time to leave the museum.

My stupid 20-year high school reunion is this fall. I was peripherally involved in the planning until people started acting like they are 18 instead of 38. Now any warm and fuzzy thoughts that I had about having some laughs with a few old acquaintances have turned into bitter musings. I think I'll skip it.

Apparently I'm more upset about my recent miscarriages than I thought. Since finding out that my friend is expecting and due when I would nave been, I've been off-kilter and out of sorts.

I miss my husband. He's been so busy that even when he's home, he's so tired that he's not really here... and he's going to be out of town for our 15th anniversary. Poop.

The garden that my mama and I have been so excited about has a few serious bug issues. We may lose half (or more) of it before it even blooms.

I'm going to go take a nap. Everything looks better after a nap, right?

:-) ... :-/

According to one of my good friends, at least a portion of hell has frozen over. She's the friend who always stated very firmly that she would never, never, never have kids. Period. End of story... She's due in November - hence the frozen hell.

I'm so excited for her! I've always thought that if she changed her mind, she'd make an amazing mother. I never faulted her for her decision to be child-less, but she's so loving and amazing that I kind of felt like she would be depriving herself of an incredible experience if she stuck to her guns on this one.

Now, since she dropped this bombshell on me by text, I haven't had the chance to discuss ANY of this with her like was this a surprise or planned? How is she feeling? When can I start buying stuff? I'm sure that this type of talk is exactly why she chose texting as her mode of notification, and why she is not answering the phone now... dang it! :-P

We would have been due at the same time.

Stand UP!

So, in case you were wondering, the emotional and physical toll of two miscarriages in two months is (drum roll please) TEN FUCKING POUNDS. That's right. Ten pounds. I can feel it on my thighs and tummy and I can SEE it under my chin and on my arms (and of course allllllllll around my butt). I don't feel like myself right now. I'm tired and dragged out and I've felt sick for weeks. I need a nap and a vitamin and some damn exercise.

When I feel like this, it's easy to drag myself down to a place where I run through betrayals like a litany. I use them as reasons to wallow and as tools to beat myself up with. It's hard to block those thoughts. It's much easier to let them run rampant and trample my joy.

I'm fighting this harder than I ever have before. I'm putting myself and my family up on a plateau higher than the muck of despair. I'm arming myself with love and light to beat back the nastiness. I refuse to carry this weight as an physical manifestation of sorrow and self doubt. It's time to start walking.

*sigh*

The alarm on my cell phone went off at 11:00 today. 'Midwife Appt.' was the message that flashed. Tomorrow I would have been 10 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow I would have heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time.

I braced myself for a wave of sadness. It didn't come. Instead, I felt exhausted. So drained that I felt like I needed to nap immediately. I packed up my daughter and her things, and took leave of our friends. We made it home, had lunch and are puttering quietly until nap time. Now I feel sad. Not devastated, but sad. That baby wasn't mine to keep. The next one will be.

The Man asked me just a few days ago when we were going to start trying again. He wasn't sure when it would be 'o.k.' or even if I was ready. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I do feel ready. I feel calm and happy when I think about our next child. I don't feel anxious or stressed about making it happen on a time table. I feel assured that it will happen when it's supposed to.

So. Very. Tired.

I can't relax. I don't know how. Even as a massage therapist, I never tell my clients to 'relaaaax' - because it offends me when other practitioners say it to me. That's right - even when I receive a massage I don't relax. I think I'm relaxed, but then the therapist asks me to unclench my hand or release my arm.

Today is a prime example. My Darling Daughter woke up at 7. This was sort of a treat, since she usually wakes up crying between 5 and 6. That's when she comes in with me (The Man's in the shower or gone by then) and has her only nursing session of the day. Since she was so late today, she decided not to go back to sleep once she was done nursing. Fine. 'Should we go to the zoo today?' 'YES! Ish, Mama. Hippos.'

That was one of the last positive exchanges that we had all morning.

By 10:45, she was in full-on meltdown mode, and I was exhausted. We finally made it to the zoo around 11, and she calmed down considerably. She fell asleep around 12:30 on the way home... which sucks. She has never in her entire life transferred asleep from the car to the house. When she was smaller, I'd stay in the car until she woke up. She ended up going down for her nap at 2.

I ordered myself to bed around 3. I was (AM!) so tired that my eyes ache, but here's what my brain was doing:

- The poor dog is so itchy. I wish her bath appointment was today and not tomorrow.
- What time did the baby go down? Two? And it's 3:08 now. Maybe I'll get 52 minutes of sleep. Maybe it'll just be 22 minutes. Maybe I should stay awake.
- 'If I say HOT, what's the opposite word? The opposite word is COLD. Hot, hot, HOT, hot. The opposite of hot is cold.' (that one is set to music)
- Dinner tonight... dinner tonight... brown rice... and grilled chicken - oops, need a new propane tank! Can I lift that thing? How does it detach from the grill?... what vegetables are in season? I could make that salad like Mama made...
- What time is it now? How many minutes until she wakes up? Should I just stay awake?

This went on like a tornado in my head until I passed out. I have no idea what time it was since I refused to open my eyes... UNTIL THE DOORBELL RANG!!!! ItchBiteScratchChew Dog went ape shit. I (with my poor disoriented heart pounding) leapt up to get to the door before the dog woke up the baby.

The new pool guy. I'm so glad he's here, but I may kill him for waking me up. The best part? He seems to be gone. I think that he took one look at our pool and left. I wouldn't blame him, but if it's true, I'll cry... Who am I kidding? I'm probably going to cry anyway...

Why can't I relax?

Gimme A Minute

Last night I was in bed reading. The Man was still puttering about the house. I had just gotten really comfortable when our old guy cat came in and started yelling at me. Since I thought he was outside, this was a surprise.

I got up and went to investigate. I couldn't find The Man anywhere inside. This meant that he was outside. That means that he was smoking. I started to get tense and angry - he's supposed to be quitting! Then I saw him. He was kicked back in one of our patio chairs with his feet on another chair. He was smoking, yes, but he was also so relaxed... just staring at the almost-full moon and enjoying himself.

I felt all of my anger and tension drain away. I walked outside and kissed him on the head. I told him that I loved him and I went back to reading.

We can disagree about the smoking later.

Needs Work

Things have been a little bit weird lately. We stopped trying to prevent pregnancy in January. Since we're not 'baby crazy', that's our version of trying to conceive. Apparently we're really good at it. I've already been up knocked up twice. I've also miscarried twice.

The first time, I found out at 4 weeks and started spotting at 4 weeks and 2 days. I started obviously miscarrying at 5 weeks and 5 days.

The second time was an accident. I had just finished my first miscarriage, and we had an evening that involved a too much wine and too little birth control. I'd just had a doctor's visit, and she didn't say that we needed to wait to try again but I kind of thought that we should. Although we both know where babies come from, neither of us was really thinking that I'd get pregnant again so soon. I mean, my body had just been through a bit of a crisis. Would it even be ready again? Well, yes and no. I got a positive home pregnancy test at 4 weeks, and another 2 and 5 days later. We were so excited! Then I miscarried dramatically at 5 weeks.

Being in possession of wildly fluctuating hormone levels for so long took a toll on me and on The Man. It's one thing to be pregnant and to understand and adjust to the changes that are occurring. It's another thing entirely to lose a pregnancy, almost re-regulate your emotional self then start the roller coaster again... and get off it again.

I began to feel unsure of myself and I projected it onto The Man. I even accused him (obliquely) of having another affair when I couldn't get ahold of him for an hour or so one day. The ridiculous part was that he was defensive and pissy when he came home that day. I decided that this was even more evidence to support my insanity but really he was mad about something that I had muttered at him whist still asleep that morning... Communication is KEY, people. Without it, we're just shadow boxing with our fears.

My task for myself is to return to what I consider to be normal. It's time to feel like ME - whatever that means. Time to feel good in my body. Time to enjoy this amazing life that I have. Time to define what it means to me to be a stay-at-home mother of a two-year-old... or is it time to go back to work? Ugh. Maybe I should just get through this week then see where I am...i

If we still want to try for another baby in a few months, then we will. If we decide that the one that we have is so awesome that she counts as two, then so be it.