Last night as we walked toward our separate bedrooms, I stopped and teared up. 'What am I supposed to do with you?' I asked.
The Man thought about it for a second.
'You could hug me and then stab me a little.'
'Then you would exsanguinate before we got anywhere in this!'
'Well, maybe you could use something small. Maybe not so big?'
'Then how would you LEARN?'
It's hard. We've been together for a really, really long time. We share over 17 years of stories, silliness, heartache, loss, triumph, growth and even just stillness. It's impossible to ignore that and look at him like a stranger.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
...
We talked for a long time tonight. I don't feel any better. I don't think that The Man does either.
I'm having a hard time lumping 'it' all together as The Addiction. I acutely feel the sting of each betrayal.
The Man seems to be stuck in a loop of 'it all runs together for me', 'those girls meant nothing', 'I know what I said to them, but I didn't mean any of it'. What he cannot seem to accept is that those statements actually make it all worse. That he can be so calculatingly manipulative. That he refuses to see the effect this has on the women he has used. That the words of love he utters to me have been used in situations that 'mean nothing'. How in the world can I ever believe him again?
He also managed to slide in an unintended hurt. In trying to tell me how little the latest one meant to him, he said 'It's like you're trying to compare her to Slut Child or Boobs McChesty (obviously, that's me using their aliases - he doesn't call them that...)' - thus saying that those two DID mean something to him, when he's maintained up until now that they didn't. *sigh* More lies.
Where's the bottom? When does it get better?
I'm having a hard time lumping 'it' all together as The Addiction. I acutely feel the sting of each betrayal.
The Man seems to be stuck in a loop of 'it all runs together for me', 'those girls meant nothing', 'I know what I said to them, but I didn't mean any of it'. What he cannot seem to accept is that those statements actually make it all worse. That he can be so calculatingly manipulative. That he refuses to see the effect this has on the women he has used. That the words of love he utters to me have been used in situations that 'mean nothing'. How in the world can I ever believe him again?
He also managed to slide in an unintended hurt. In trying to tell me how little the latest one meant to him, he said 'It's like you're trying to compare her to Slut Child or Boobs McChesty (obviously, that's me using their aliases - he doesn't call them that...)' - thus saying that those two DID mean something to him, when he's maintained up until now that they didn't. *sigh* More lies.
Where's the bottom? When does it get better?
Just Keep Swimming
The World's Most Amazing Baby is loving 'Finding Nemo'. I am enduring it, and taking a page out of Dory's book. Just keep swimming... Just keep swimming.
Some days, any kind of movement is the best you can hope for. Forward movement is good. Positive movement is best.
Today, I'm moving. I can't tell yet if it's treading water, swimming or winning (thank you, Charlie Sheen, for this fantastic addition to the pop culture lexicon), but I'm moving.
Today is officially 5 weeks pregnant. I seem to have developed evening sickness instead of morning sickness. Drat. Other than that... and the bloating... and the mood swings... I feel pretty great :-P
Today I'm ready to talk to The Man some more about the reasons why I am so angry. Like why all of the things that I have begged him for for years (like time, pursuit, effort, diversity...) are part of his addiction, but not part of his relationship with me.
Some days, any kind of movement is the best you can hope for. Forward movement is good. Positive movement is best.
Today, I'm moving. I can't tell yet if it's treading water, swimming or winning (thank you, Charlie Sheen, for this fantastic addition to the pop culture lexicon), but I'm moving.
Today is officially 5 weeks pregnant. I seem to have developed evening sickness instead of morning sickness. Drat. Other than that... and the bloating... and the mood swings... I feel pretty great :-P
Today I'm ready to talk to The Man some more about the reasons why I am so angry. Like why all of the things that I have begged him for for years (like time, pursuit, effort, diversity...) are part of his addiction, but not part of his relationship with me.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Lost
I feel really lost today. Yesterday I was so determined and could see everything so clearly. Today I can't remember why he has to leave the house and can't just live in the guest room.
I'm not just tired, I'm worn out. I still have no idea what my next step is or when I'll start to feel better. I am furious that I have to do this alone.
I'm not just tired, I'm worn out. I still have no idea what my next step is or when I'll start to feel better. I am furious that I have to do this alone.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wiped Out
Today I said some things that were harder for me than just about any other moment in my life. Considering what we've been through in the past few years, that's saying a lot.
I had to ask my husband to move out. I then had to explain to him that it wasn't up to me to figure out how that would work, where he would stay or where the money would come from. That this was happening because of the choices that he made, therefore he was responsible for working through it. Not me.
I didn't say it out of anger or hate or spite. I believe that I said it from a place of love. I really do love him. I truly hope that our marriage can survive this. That makes it even more important that true acceptance of the situation takes place so that true healing has a chance to begin. As long as he's here, I'll make excuses for him and rationalize his actions because it would truly be easier to keep him here. Without him, I'm a single parent. Without him, I lose my best friend. Without him, I sleep alone in our bed.
I've been making my decisions based on what would be easiest for all of us - less disruptive. What I need to do is make decisions that can lead to positive change. Our daughter will feel the disruption. It will be hard. It will be better for her if she has the chance to grow up as the daughter of a recovering sex addict than the daughter of an active sex addict. She also needs a mother who can show her that how to set healthy limits, not one who acts like a doormat or takes the easy way out.
I'm not cutting him out of my life. If he wants to, he will always be a part of our daughter's life. If he really wants to, there's a chance that we can save our marriage.
The next part of the process is going to be hard. Recovery is not something that happens because you decide to go to meetings. Recovery begins when you hit rock bottom and decide to make huge changes in the way that you live your entire life. Recovery from addiction takes place every single day for the rest of your life. There is a chance that The Man will not succeed. I don't have any way of knowing how this will go down, and it is completely out of my control. The only thing that I can do is take care of myself and our babies. His recovery is 100% up to him.
I will NOT spend my life worried that my husband is cheating on me. I WILL have a life filled with love and light. I WILL be a woman that my daughter can look up to.
I had to ask my husband to move out. I then had to explain to him that it wasn't up to me to figure out how that would work, where he would stay or where the money would come from. That this was happening because of the choices that he made, therefore he was responsible for working through it. Not me.
I didn't say it out of anger or hate or spite. I believe that I said it from a place of love. I really do love him. I truly hope that our marriage can survive this. That makes it even more important that true acceptance of the situation takes place so that true healing has a chance to begin. As long as he's here, I'll make excuses for him and rationalize his actions because it would truly be easier to keep him here. Without him, I'm a single parent. Without him, I lose my best friend. Without him, I sleep alone in our bed.
I've been making my decisions based on what would be easiest for all of us - less disruptive. What I need to do is make decisions that can lead to positive change. Our daughter will feel the disruption. It will be hard. It will be better for her if she has the chance to grow up as the daughter of a recovering sex addict than the daughter of an active sex addict. She also needs a mother who can show her that how to set healthy limits, not one who acts like a doormat or takes the easy way out.
I'm not cutting him out of my life. If he wants to, he will always be a part of our daughter's life. If he really wants to, there's a chance that we can save our marriage.
The next part of the process is going to be hard. Recovery is not something that happens because you decide to go to meetings. Recovery begins when you hit rock bottom and decide to make huge changes in the way that you live your entire life. Recovery from addiction takes place every single day for the rest of your life. There is a chance that The Man will not succeed. I don't have any way of knowing how this will go down, and it is completely out of my control. The only thing that I can do is take care of myself and our babies. His recovery is 100% up to him.
I will NOT spend my life worried that my husband is cheating on me. I WILL have a life filled with love and light. I WILL be a woman that my daughter can look up to.
Monday, June 6, 2011
'Meh' Day... I've had worse.
Today was the day that The Man was scheduled to leave town for a 3 week trial. He was supposed to come home for the weekends, but that's still 5 full days of solo parenting. If you are not already a solo parent, this is a horrifying thought.
As angry and crazy as I've been, it still broke my heart to think about our daughter crying for her Daddy every night. I knew that this was what was in store for me because she cries her heart out any night that he's not home to put her to bed. The thought of 4-5 nights in a row made me tired and sad.
I was relieved that we were going to have some distance, but I already had a case of the crazies working. My mind raced like a coked-up lab rat, and almost none of it was pleasant. I spent all day trying not to cry. Our daughter knew that something was up all day, and had been alternately cranky and babbling non-stop about her daddy...
And then he walked in the door just after 7 p.m. I am really pissed about how relieved I was to see him. The baby was over the moon. She actually stuttered and stared at him for several minutes as though she wasn't sure he was real.
Their big case settled as they were finishing up day 1 at the courthouse. They jumped back in their rental car and raced home so that they could all surprise their families.
I don't even know how to begin to process my feelings. I'm still furious. I still feel betrayed and sad. I'm still acting crazy. I was happy to see him. What the hell is wrong with me?
My friends are trying, but the whole topic is so awful that they can't talk about it for more than a minute or two. My mom is too mad to talk AND she tries really hard not to give advice. This is great most of the time, but when you want so badly for it to just be fixed, you kind-of long for a buttinski mom. There are no codependents of sex addicts meetings in this town. What the hell? So he can go to a meeting any damn day of the week, but I have to flounder along without the support of anyone who knows what I'm going through?! Fantastic.
As angry and crazy as I've been, it still broke my heart to think about our daughter crying for her Daddy every night. I knew that this was what was in store for me because she cries her heart out any night that he's not home to put her to bed. The thought of 4-5 nights in a row made me tired and sad.
I was relieved that we were going to have some distance, but I already had a case of the crazies working. My mind raced like a coked-up lab rat, and almost none of it was pleasant. I spent all day trying not to cry. Our daughter knew that something was up all day, and had been alternately cranky and babbling non-stop about her daddy...
And then he walked in the door just after 7 p.m. I am really pissed about how relieved I was to see him. The baby was over the moon. She actually stuttered and stared at him for several minutes as though she wasn't sure he was real.
Their big case settled as they were finishing up day 1 at the courthouse. They jumped back in their rental car and raced home so that they could all surprise their families.
I don't even know how to begin to process my feelings. I'm still furious. I still feel betrayed and sad. I'm still acting crazy. I was happy to see him. What the hell is wrong with me?
My friends are trying, but the whole topic is so awful that they can't talk about it for more than a minute or two. My mom is too mad to talk AND she tries really hard not to give advice. This is great most of the time, but when you want so badly for it to just be fixed, you kind-of long for a buttinski mom. There are no codependents of sex addicts meetings in this town. What the hell? So he can go to a meeting any damn day of the week, but I have to flounder along without the support of anyone who knows what I'm going through?! Fantastic.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
New Day, New Pendulum Swing
I kind of remember this from the very first go-round with the Slut Child. I swing wildly and without warning between raging-ly furious, calm, crying and asleep.
I am in the process of finding a local meeting of the codependents of sexual addicts group.
I have a session with a counselor on Tuesday.
The Man has already been to two meetings. While that's a great thing for him, it's hard for me. He's so thrilled to be taking action, and is already repeating portions of the steps as fact. I, on the other hand, have had no action to take and am completely bogged down in my rage. He's already cheerfully talking about 'later when everything's o.k.' It makes me want to slap him... again... shit. I still cannot believe that happened. I hit another person. I am so ashamed to have lost control so completely.
I slept for 2 solid hours this afternoon. Because of the whole pregnancy thing, I was out so solidly that the back of my head hurts and my jaw aches from grinding my teeth. The last dream that I had before the toddler woke me up was that a friend and I were repairing a piece of roof on a shopping center, and she fell. I was unable to catch her, and had to watch her fall, call 911 and then call her husband. Of course, I couldn't make the phone work, and she was dying in front of me while I tried to reassure her. Wow. Stress much?
If I had no children (actual or embryonic) to consider, I might crawl into a bottle or my bed (or both) for a while. It's a huge blessing to have them both. They are keeping me functional and forcing me to be much more positive than I would normally be. The Lord knows what he's doing. Not only am I aware that I can handle this, I know that I have to.
Oddly enough, last time it got this bad... wait, this is the worst. shit... I was pregnant. Excellent timing, Sir. Way to keep me out of the bars.
This pregnancy feels different than the losses. With the first one, I was excited, but when the spotting stated, I was secretly convinced that it was over. I kept up hope, but lost the pregnancy anyway. The second one was also exciting, but I felt like it wasn't mine from the beginning. I was sad when I lost the pregnancy, but sure that it was the right thing. This time, I just feel calm. I'm having all sorts of almost constant aches and cramps, but I'm not worried. It feels normal... more normal than anything else does right now.
I am in the process of finding a local meeting of the codependents of sexual addicts group.
I have a session with a counselor on Tuesday.
The Man has already been to two meetings. While that's a great thing for him, it's hard for me. He's so thrilled to be taking action, and is already repeating portions of the steps as fact. I, on the other hand, have had no action to take and am completely bogged down in my rage. He's already cheerfully talking about 'later when everything's o.k.' It makes me want to slap him... again... shit. I still cannot believe that happened. I hit another person. I am so ashamed to have lost control so completely.
I slept for 2 solid hours this afternoon. Because of the whole pregnancy thing, I was out so solidly that the back of my head hurts and my jaw aches from grinding my teeth. The last dream that I had before the toddler woke me up was that a friend and I were repairing a piece of roof on a shopping center, and she fell. I was unable to catch her, and had to watch her fall, call 911 and then call her husband. Of course, I couldn't make the phone work, and she was dying in front of me while I tried to reassure her. Wow. Stress much?
If I had no children (actual or embryonic) to consider, I might crawl into a bottle or my bed (or both) for a while. It's a huge blessing to have them both. They are keeping me functional and forcing me to be much more positive than I would normally be. The Lord knows what he's doing. Not only am I aware that I can handle this, I know that I have to.
Oddly enough, last time it got this bad... wait, this is the worst. shit... I was pregnant. Excellent timing, Sir. Way to keep me out of the bars.
This pregnancy feels different than the losses. With the first one, I was excited, but when the spotting stated, I was secretly convinced that it was over. I kept up hope, but lost the pregnancy anyway. The second one was also exciting, but I felt like it wasn't mine from the beginning. I was sad when I lost the pregnancy, but sure that it was the right thing. This time, I just feel calm. I'm having all sorts of almost constant aches and cramps, but I'm not worried. It feels normal... more normal than anything else does right now.
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