Time to Start

I think I'm ready to start at the beginning. Well, at least I'll start in a place that I am designating as the beginning, because you have to start somewhere.

I'm not sure exactly when this started for The Man. I think that for me, our Winter of Discontent began around the summer of 2005. I had just finished massage school, and The Man had just accepted a job with a law firm that was based in another city. They had him work in their main office until they were 'confident in his abilities'. I think they just kept him there until they were confident that the small office here in town could sustain another attorney. He left home every Monday morning, came back Wednesday night, left Thursday morning and came back Friday night. We were - for all intents and purposes - separated again. We had just passed our 9th wedding anniversary, and this was round 3 of one of us working away from home. I think we got too good at being apart. When we were together, we were exhausted and uncommunicative. When we were apart we hung out with friends or coworkers and did our 'living'. I think that we were in trouble by the time he was transferred back home, we just couldn't see it yet.

We plodded along. I got a job. He got a new job. We moved into a different rental house. I started telling myself that everything was GREAT. If you look at any of the (very few) pictures of us from then, I look like I'm tap dancing for my life - 'Everything's awesome! My life rocks! Look over here!' No, I wasn't aware that I looked a tiny bit crazy and a huge bit exhausted. The man just looks miserable and/or angry. I was so busy assuring myself that we were fine that I didn't see anything.

I didn't see anything until he sat me down on New Year's Day of 2008 to tell me that he had been having an affair.

I went into shock. I could hear and see and feel, but only in a very dissociated sort of way. I was shaking and breathing oddly. He just kept talking. He was babbling on about he had decided to end it - that he truly cared about me - that he needed to tell me before he broke it off because he was sure that she would 'go crazy' and try to contact me.

I couldn't even take it all in. I just kept telling him things like that I was glad he had told me and we could 'fix' this... I can remember so clearly where we were sitting. I remember what the light looked like. I can't for the life of me remember exactly what was said. I do remember telling him that I wanted him to call her now. I wanted to get the ball rolling immediately.

The anger didn't set in until later. First was disbelief, hurt, and a need to act. Oh, and I felt a crazy compulsion to force him to sleep with me every time we were together - like I could sex him into 'liking me best'.

I'm not even sure where to take this from here, so I'm going to end this post. I'm sure that I'll have more to say later, but for now, this is the best I can do.