Ya'll, I think I'm depressed. Wait, scratch that - I know that I'm depressed, but I think that this bout might be a bit more serious that I originally thought.
I've battled depression since my twenties. I had episodes then when it was just too much work to get out of bed. I have since learned to control it better, and even to occasionally head it off. This one's a doozie, though. I have insomnia, but can't wake up in the morning. I have headaches and feel fuzzy-brained most of the time. My temper's on a hair-trigger. I just can't seem to get anything done.
I was attributing a lot of this to a combination of grief and PMS. While those are both valid concerns in my life, neither can completely explain the absolute mess of my house, the sink full of dirty dishes and the fact that I can't keep a thought in my head for more than 5 minutes.
I'm wildly disorganized right now. Me. The list maker. The planner. The over-scheduled whirlwind who can't say no. Well, I still can't say no, but I don't remember to do whatever it was, either. Yesterday, I agreed to do a massage for a friend. I told The Man about it when he got home. In the next 2 hours, I proceeded to forget about it no fewer than 3 times, and almost forgot to get up and leave not 5 minutes after The Man reminded me. Tonight, I glared at the mess in my home and thought 'it's a good thing that all I have to do tomorrow is sleep and maybe clean up while The Baby is at parent's day out... hey, maybe our friends will want to go swimming tomorrow afternoon...' In actuality, I have a completely full day tomorrow. No time for sleeping. No time for afternoon swimming.
Then there's the crying. I keep crying. Sappy moments on t.v. Poorly written paperbacks. Lying next to The Baby for two minutes while she drifts back to sleep. I'm like a faucet over here! Of course, the crying makes the headaches worse. Yay.
I'm not sure what to do about this, folks. I'm not convinced that I can snap out of this one by speaking sternly with myself or forcing myself out of the house. Other than counseling (with a therapist; not a doctor who can prescribe the big guns), I've never sought professional help for depression before. I don't even know who to call. Then there's co-pays and prescriptions. We can't afford this stuff right now!
Oi. I really wish I could sleep.
I know that some people have negative things to say about prescriptions for depression, but they worked miracles for me. I was on zoloft 2 times in my late teens and early 20s for pretty short periods and it was what I needed (with counseling) to come through to the other side. The cost can be prohibitive, however, I think if you can find the money it is a good option. Barring that the best thing you can do is recognize that you are depressed and give your body and mind the down time it obviously needs. Smooches to you - you are loved!
ReplyDeleteOh, R. Perhaps we need a phone chat soon. As you know, my round of zoloft was a success while it lasted. But what I found was that once I got off, I seemed almost right back to where I was when I started. Perhaps not everyone is like this. I do know of folks who have gone on meds for short periods of time and it worked wonders. If I were you, I'd ask your OB for a script. That's what I did for my PPD. (which now feels like PTSD...ha!) What about trekking over to whole foods and asking the herbal peeps?
ReplyDeleteThanks, guys :-)
ReplyDeleteK - I DO remember the Zoloft days. In fact, I quite vividly remember accidentally ingesting 2 of them thinking that they were excedrin migraine pills. Worst. Vegas trip. Ever. :-P
G - I don't have an OB any more. I have a new midwife that I've only seen twice - I don't want her to think that I'm med-seeking :-/