Book for Thought

I just finished 'Fly Away Home' by Jennifer Weiner. It's not her best book... yet this was the second time I've read it. I have very limited time at the library these days (toddlers are terrible at waiting while you peruse), and the two closest branches are a bit limited in their selections. I was in desperate need of things to read, and... I couldn't remember if I'd read this one or not - not a good sign.

The story revolves around a mother and her two grown daughters. In very different ways, all three of them have sublimated what they want and who they are in order to please those around them. In the case of the mother, that's how she spent her entire adult life, and her husband then cheated on her with someone that reminded him of who she was when they met. I am NOT blaming the (fictional) wife for the (fictional) affair. I am noting that the character found herself lost, and it wasn't until she spent time thinking only of herself and what she wanted/needed from life that she was able to find happiness. Happiness that she hadn't experienced in many many years.

The daughters 1) became someone who was outwardly successful, but was lonely and miserable and 2) became a drugged out scared-y cat. The 'successful' one had to slow down and stop caring what everybody thought. The druggy one had to rehab herself and learn that she didn't have to care that she would never 'measure up' to her sister, since nobody was measuring.

Food for thought, no? The message here is STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF. It's important. In some cases, it might be all you have.

This culture that has ben created wherein folks (usually women) create a version of themselves that they think is more palatable or popular terrifies me. How long do they honestly expect to keep that up? What do they think will happen when they drop the charade and let their true colors show? Why would they want to be with someone (friend or lover) who wouldn't like the person that they really are?

One More Tale To Tell

O.k., I have unloaded a LOT of stuff here in the short time since I opened this blog. I kind of feel like I've said almost all that I can for right now. Unless something changes, I plan on taking a break from spending so much time on this for a while. I've worked through a lot on my own just by having it so close to the front of my brain. It's time to let what's left simmer on the back burner of my subconscious for a while and devote my full attention to the present.

Before my hiatus (or whatever it ends up being), I have another story to tell.

I was almost at the end of the first trimester of my pregnancy. I was home one day, and the phone rang. It was a local number, but not one that I recognized. The man on the other end announced that he was the SlutChild's current boyfriend. He claimed that he was calling because he was trying to break up with her and (SURPRISE), she had gone nutsos. He was (also) married, and the SlutChild was basically stalking his wife. He was calling me to beg for advice on how to 'handle her'. I was sick. How did he even know who I was? Well, he said that she loved to brag about how awful she had been to me - apparently using my name all the while - so he had simply looked me up in the phone book.

SERIOUSLY?! And he wanted me to give him advice? Um, no. At this point, we were less than a year out from the end of the affair, and less than 6 months out from the last time she had invaded our lives. There was NO way that I was going to give her any reason to waltz back in. This dumbass was the same kind of dumbass that The Man had been. That meant that he was completely snookered by her manipulations. This also meant that if I said anything against her, there was a 90% chance that he would blurt out exactly what I said and that it was me who had said it to him. No way.

I told him 'Nobody handles her. She is her own woman. When she decides that she's done with you, she will leave.' Since I was paraphrasing things that she had previously screamed at me, I figured it was safe to say them... and say them I did... over and over. He was devastated that I wouldn't say more. 'Please, just tell me how you got rid of her!' I simply repeated my new mantra. He grabbed at another straw - 'We have a lawyer and we're building a legal case against her. If we need you to testify in court, will you do it?' 'Absolutely not. If your attorney needs something, he can call my husband. I will not speak directly to you again.'

It was surreal. I hung up and stayed on the floor in child's pose until the world stopped spinning and my breathing slowed down to normal. I just held my baby in my arms, heart and mind's eye until things felt real again.

follow up

In case you are wondering, vodka is NOT a solution. It is at best a stop-gap measure, and a lousy one at that.

The Man had a really rough day yesterday as well, so he was overjoyed at the opportunity to break our self imposed 'no drinking during the week' ban. He was also happy to stop on his way home to purchase something harder than the wine that we've limited ourselves to lately.

Suffice it to say that we (I?) hit that stupid bottle too hard. We're not twenty any more, and have been out of the bar scene for quite a while so we're out of practice :-P

I am lethargic and headache-y today. I can't even form a coherent thought never mind compose a decent blog post or think about my feelings.

Send it Out

So, I've managed to freak myself out a bit today. I posted a comment in response to a blog that I read. Because of the nature of the blog post, and the content of my response, instead of linking to my regular (Mama, Crafting, Cooking, Light-Hearted Stories) blog, I linked to this one.

Now I'm a bit wigged out. I started this blog in order to put an end to the machinations of a manipulative irritant. I continued it as a forum to help work through my recurring and residual issues related to the affairs. Now I've put it out there for people to find. In fact, I practically put a neon sign on it and said 'Come on by! I've got something to say!'

Here's the part where my own self-esteem issues check in with a huge 'Who do you think you are? Why would anyone want to read this?' I feel like I've spent too much time here playing Poke The Bear, and not enough time talking about the real stuff. Granted, I've only been writing here for a month and a half. When I look at it that way, it seems like maybe I've gotten through quite a bit of the real stuff... *sigh*

So why did I link it if I wasn't ready for people to read it? I wanted to give a little background for the response that I had posted. I wanted for people to know that I wasn't just blithely spouting off about something that I didn't know anything about... Great. now I hear one of my oldest established behavioral patterns very clearly in this. It's the one that screams 'I Know What I'm Talking About. I'm Part of This. Here's Why You Should Listen to Me...' Yep. That one. The one that tries to hard and begs everyone to like it. Sooooo healthy. Soooo lovable.

Now there's the 'LOVE ME, I'M GOOD ENOUGH' monster calling up from my bruised psyche for attention. Add in the infuriating doctor's visit that I just returned home from, and you have the recipe for a headache. Guess who's not going to be cooking dinner tonight! That's right. The Wife Who Stayed. Guess who has two thumbs and will be stopping off for vodka and fancy olives on the way home! That's right, THIS GIRL :-P

Stir it Up

We spent the weekend rearranging the house. The Man decided to set up a home office so that his weekends can be spent at home rather than in transit or at the office and I was ready to change it up a bit in the living room(s).

We are much better about it than we used to be, but we're mail hoarders. For years, every piece of mail that came into the house stayed in the house. We would let the bills and junk mail form these avalanche-prone piles that we would scoop up and cram into a bag or box if we were 'cleaning'. Then the bags and boxes would be consolidated into a larger bag or box and stuffed into a corner or under a bed or into a closet. We have boxes in our garage that have moved with us for over ten years because we're afraid to throw them out, yet we are too lazy to go through them.

Like I said, we're much better than we used to be, so there really aren't many new boxes, but the old ones are everywhere. In rearranging, we unearthed unacceptable amounts of junk. The Man borrowed a shredder and went to town getting rid of it. I was thrilled. Then I stopped to wonder if her was so shredder-happy because he wanted to be sure that every last bit of any possible paper trail from his affairs was gone. You know - receipts, phone bills, e-mails... Then I decided that if that's what he was doing, then GOOD. If there was anything to 'find', I've had two years to go through that crap and do so. If he wants rid our home of old ghosts and start fresh, then YAY!

End In Sight

When the World's Most Amazing Baby (WMAB for short) arrived, The Man moved back in. He wanted to be here, I needed the help, and neither one of wanted to miss even one minute of her awesomeness. It was weird at first. We had no idea how to not be together, but our new truce felt odd. Were we a family or not? We just did our best to make it through each day. Mostly we stared at our baby and bought her stuff.

One night we took a walk. I was feeling brave, so I said 'tell me 3 good things about (SlutChild).' He asked why. I told him that she seemed to have some sort of hold on him, and since he seemed incapable of ridding himself of her, and she was part of his life, I needed to know something good about her. He stopped talking for a while. Then he said 'I can't think of anything to say.' 'Really, you can't give me one reason not to intensely dislike this woman?' 'No... and she's gone anyway.' I was skeptical. 'No, really. She's gone. After the last thing, I told her that I couldn't be her friend anymore and she got mad at me for jerking her around and now she's gone.'

When he said that, the tiny flicker of hope for our marriage that I had sheltered in my heart ignited into a flame. Maybe we could do this. Maybe I wasn't going to lose my life partner and the father of my child. Maybe the selfish jerk that I had seen all through my pregnancy was gone.

When WMAB was about 2 months old, The Man and I were standing together in the kitchen while I made dinner. The Man was talking about a friend of his and the foolishness that was going on in said friend's marriage. They had been talking divorce, but it looked like they were going to work it out. I just looked at him and said 'was our marriage worse than theirs?'

He said 'NO! Not by any means!'

'Well, then why do we have to get a divorce? Their marriage SUCKS and they're not getting a divorce.'

He came back with 'you don't want a divorce?'

'No, YOU wanted a divorce, and I didn't want to be married to someone who didn't love me.'

'I NEVER said that I didn't love you. I just said that I wasn't sure that I wanted to be married anymore.'

So we stood there and argued the semantics of the fight where I had heard him to say that he didn't love me anymore, but he claimed that he had really just said that he was unsure about the marriage part. I insisted that this was most definitely NOT the time to try and use lawyer-speak on me. He claimed that being a lawyer made it impossible for him to not use lawyer-speak. See, this is why you have to c-o-m-m-u-n-i-c-a-t-e. UGH! Whatever. By the end of the evening, we had decided to give our marriage another try.

It didn't happen overnight, and it was hard. It still is, but we got here. To this place where I trust him. To this time when we love each other and our family. There is more to tell, but not tonight. For tonight, the story ends here.

Continuing the Story

Right after The Man's relationship with... oh hell, I haven't given her a nickname (aside from Boobs McChesty, and that's just stating a fact), and since she's never personally attacked me, it feels wrong to give her a mean one... how 'bout, The One Who Threw Him Back (or TOWTHB for short)... ended, we  separated.

We've discussed it since then, and the only way that The Man can describe it is this (mind you, I'm paraphrasing...): He has always struggled with self-esteem issues. Especially pertaining to his looks. I think he's gorgeous, and he's always jokingly agreed with me, but he never really believed it. Apparently, within the last few years he 'grew into his looks'. Women started paying attention to him. Lots of women. This was something that had never happened to him before. He says that all of a sudden he felt really really selfish. He wanted to act out and act on his new-found stud status, and he didn't want to care about how that would affect me or our marriage. So he disconnected, and did what he wanted. I didn't notice the disconnect the first time around because we were so out of touch. The second time, I was paying attention. I knew something was wrong, but he was so adamant that there was no one else. I chose to believe him.

When I sent the e-mail that led to the end of his affair with TOWTHB, he was still in that shut-off, selfish place. All he could see was that something that he wanted was no longer available. He was furious with me. I was livid with him. We stopped communicating productively. We resorted to terse e-mails and angry phone conversations.

We plodded along in this manner for a while. My due date approached rapidly, and my hormones magnified my emotions until I was unable to behave calmly and rationally when it came to The Man. His stubbornness and selfish attitude made it impossible for him to back down or open up. In the mean time, he felt a bit isolated - what with not having a wife or girlfriend to visit with - so he... wait for it... contacted the SlutChild, and brought her back into his life. As his 'friend'. I had no idea that she was back. He managed to keep that bit of lunacy all to himself for quite a while. She didn't think that was as much fun as poking at me, so she posted a blog about how happy she was for me - what with the baby and all - and how she loved being friends with The Man - and other fun stuff like that. I tried to find it so I could post it here, but she has removed it...

When I called The Man freaking out because she even knew that I was pregnant, and wondered how that could be so, his answer was something along the lines of 'I told her.' I went a little bit crazy, and demanded to know why he was speaking to her. 'Because she's my friend!' I inquired (nastily) as to why thought that was alright since she had a habit of spending quite a bit of time trying to make me miserable. He replied that he 'didn't have any other friends right now', and he 'needed one'. Delightful. So, yet again the manipulative psycho was back in my life, and yet again HE was the one who had brought her in.

You may wonder how I even knew about it. Fair question. My best friend used to keep tabs on SlutChild's on-line accounts for me since she had such a propensity for popping up to spew poison. All of her previous posts had been 'private'. That particular post was 'public'. When my bestie used the same public forum to poke at her, the SlutChild went NUTSOS. It was exactly the opportunity she had been hoping for. She sent me an e-mail (that I deleted without reading) and began to (once again) barrage The Man with phone calls to his office. This caused HIM to call and yell at me for provoking her. After I threw up, I let him have it. HE was the one who had brought this bitch back into my life, and I was not about to apologize for standing up to her. I asked that he consider just how important she was to him, since an on-line post that she had to search for had sent her into orbit, 'ruined' his work day, and caused him to upset his pregnant wife so much that she puked. Is that the kind of person that he wanted in his life? Is that who he wanted to be?

Honestly, I feel like this was a turning point for us. Nothing changed overnight, but it did start to change. We had another week of insanity during which I read then deleted all of the messages on his cell phone. This led to a back-and-forth during which I 1) demanded that he trade living spaces with me as I now hated the house, 2) refused to apologize for 'invading his privacy' and 3) generally acted like a crazy person. I know - healthy, right?! For his part, The Man tried to be the calm, rational one, but it was hard. Since my due date came and went during that week, our priorities shifted drastically. We dropped the matter, and had a baby instead - the most awesome, amazing baby that anyone has ever given birth to... aside from that Mary lady...

Whew

Well, I've gotten pretty far into my story. When I started, I wasn't sure that I could tell any of it, never mind this much of it. Most of it has been pretty intense. I would like to take a minute to interject a bit of positivity.

When I'm telling the tale of that time, it's mostly awfulness and bad behavior from The Man. It's hard to see why I'd stay. While the stories that I tell are true, they are anchored in a time of great pain for me, and as such they are skewed (a bit) toward the negative. That doesn't make them any less my truth.

Here are some other truths:

When you get married at 23 and 24, you may not have the best idea of what it means to be in a life-long relationship. It may take a few years for both of you to figure out how that works and how to work toward it.

We married for love. We married because we are compatible. Not a bad way to start your journey.

We learned along the way that marriage is hard work. Puttering along on cruise control is not how you make it long term, but when love is still there, cruise control might be able to tide you over until you can put in the work.

We are actually still in love. Through all of the hurt and harsh words and anger, we never stopped loving each other. We weren't able to say it for a while. We couldn't see how that was going to be enough. It wasn't enough, but it was there.

We have an almost 18 year history of friendship, intimacy, shared memories and joint property. That is also not enough to carry you through an entire marriage, but it goes a long way toward reminding you of what's important when you hit the rough spots.

We still make each other laugh - a lot.

We enjoy talking to each other. That may sound like an odd thing to say, but as the years pass, you do a LOT of talking. If nobody's paying attention, you're screwed.

My heart still leaps when he walks in the door. His smile makes me dizzy. He smiles a lot lately :-)

Falling Down

So, let's see... I left off at the end of the summer. It was an idyllic time (for me). Our marriage counsellor had cut us loose with a 'you guys are doing great! Call me if you need a tune-up'. We were swimming, entertaining and... making a baby :-)

I found out that I was pregnant in the middle of October. I was over the moon. I think that The Man was, too. I really thought at that time that things were on the right path. I thought that we were truly happy and had everything that we wanted and more than we needed. I started keeping a journal when I found out that I was expecting. I kept it up for 2 weeks. I stopped keeping it when the division between The Man and I got so big that I no longer understood where I was in my world.

At that time, I was so confused. He just shut off and backed away. He began traveling excessively for work and was gone overnight a minimum of one night each week. I kept begging him to open up and talk to me. He just kept saying that he 'didn't know what was wrong', he just 'wasn't happy' and eventually wasn't sure that he wanted to stay married. By the time he blurted that gem out, it was December. I lost it. I was sacrificing every thing that I knew (including my body, my social life and my career) to grow our (very much wanted) baby in my body, and all he could do was walk away.

I left. My best friend sent me an airplane ticket to England, and I got on that plane without looking back. I didn't know what else to do. I needed time to sort out my own thoughts. I also honestly thought that if we had some time apart, he would be able to sort out his own thoughts... and realize that the baby and I were exactly what he wanted. I know, I know - not a terribly healthy attitude, but it's where I was.

I spent six weeks in England. Emotionally, I was all over the map. Elated about the baby. Positive that my marriage was over then clinging to any hope that I gleaned from my sporadic conversations and e-mails with The Man. Feeling empowered and confident that I could do it on my own if I had to then a weepy bed-ridden mess completely convinced that there was no way I could go it alone.

When I got home, things were just as unsettled as before I left, and The Man was even more distant. I asked him to move into the guest room, then asked him to move out. I just couldn't bear to have him physically close yet emotionally so far. It was awful. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing for him to look at me me, talk to me, just be honest with me. He was a completely different person than the man that I thought I knew. Very condescending and arrogant. We fought and fought and fought.

At some point, I found out that he had a female 'friend'. He swore up and down that she was just a friend. I believed him... then I looked her up on Facebook... and my best friend saw a post to her that referenced her date with a man (who had the same name as my husband) that was quickly removed... and I went into survival/save my marriage mode and sent her this:


I just wanted to let you know a few things... in case you didn't already


1. (The Man) is married and I am pregnant. We are planning to divorce at his instigation, but not until after our daughter gets here.


2. You are not the first girl he has kept a secret from me. Even if you two are just friends, you were something he hid. Which is his pattern.


3. I don't care if you two are friends or lovers. My anger is at him and his lies to me. I am not, nor will I be,  'out to get you' in any way. 


Any time there is a clandestine relationship, there is another side of the story. Mine is that my husband of almost 13 years had an affair that shook me to the core. I thought we had recovered from it and were stronger than ever. Then he came to me after we found out that I was pregnant and told me that he didn't think that he loved me any more, and didn't see our marriage surviving. 


I am not accusing you of anything, nor do I bear you any ill will. I don't even know you or anything about you. I don't expect or need for you to respond to this. I will not attempt to contact you again.

He was furious with me. She completely cut off contact with him after receiving my missive. I had my answer - she had been his girlfriend. I chose to ignore that, and continued to believe that she was a well-meaning 'friend' who stepped out of the way when she was made aware of the situation. Delusional, yet it worked for me.

I wasn't until September of last year - a year and a half after it ended - that I found out the truth. He met her on an airplane in November. That was when he shut me out. He began an affair with her that lasted from then until my e-mail. When I left the country hoping to give my husband room to come back to me, I had actually left him the room to see his long-distance girlfriend more easily and openly. When he left town claiming to need time to 'clarify how he felt', he was spending his time with her.

Finding this out left me conflicted and sickened. The Man was so lost. For him, it was over, and had been for a long time. He knew who we were, and where he wanted to be.

For me it was new and raw. I was immediately thrust back in to that time. I saw the progress that we had made through a different lens. My head was full of a chorus of 'He didn't come back to you. His girlfriend left him, so you're just the default. He didn't choose you.'

Musings

Note to self: Do not write emotionally draining blog posts while the baby naps. Toddlers do not grant a reprieve to wiped out mamas.

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When I started this blog, I intended for the Other Woman to read it (and possibly even respond). Now it's more of a place for me to vent and to continue to work through what happened. It hit me today that she may still be reading. I'm assuming not, because me working past what happened doesn't play into her being able to manipulate me any longer, but what if she is? How weird would that be? Would she forward it to her friends?

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I wonder if she feels anything resembling remorse for her actions. Not the affair (I doubt an adulterer of her caliber would see anything wrong with that) - the personal attacks. The intentional wounding of someone she didn't even know. I wonder if she has grown up enough to feel anything that complex, or if her world is still so firmly centered around herself that everyone that stands in the way of something that she wants is an enemy to be destroyed.

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In looking over my posts thus far, I notice a definite trend. Every time that I reference the Other Woman, I use rather harsh terms. It seems that I talk a big game about forgiveness and moving on when it comes to The Man, but when it's her, I'm still really pissed.

I attribute this to (mainly) two things. One, when this all went down, she was able to act how ever she pleased and I was the one 'doing the right thing' which meant holding my tongue most of the time and being unable to speak my truth. Two, she just keeps coming back to try and hurt me. This makes me angry.

So I guess that I'll just try to be aware of my own behavior, and modify it when I'm ready to do so. Since this is my blog, I can tell my story in my own way. If she feels that she is wrongly portrayed, she can either respond or start her own damn blog. It's a big internet out there.

Step Two

This week, I posted about the affair on my other blog for the first time. It freaked me out to do it, but I'm tired of having any sort of division in my life. This is what happened to us. It's a real, true, painful part of our lives. Saying it in my most public forum was a huge step for me. It feels like real healing to put it out there and to not worry about will come of it. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks of it. The only thing that matters is what we think, and how we chose to react. Posting that story made me feel like I'm ready to write about what came next.

My last long post featured the start of the story, and it came to kind of an abrupt and unsettled end. I needed to step back and figure out how to put the next bit into words.

The next part was awful. I was more emotionally raw and hurt and freaked out than I had ever been before. I was trying to move forward, but the Other Woman(Child) was not going to just fade gently into the background. Her game is manipulation and power. She plays to win, and she has nothing to lose. I had never come into contact with someone who was so venomous, angry and deliberately hurtful as her. She attacked me at every turn. She copied pictures of me and of us as a couple off of the internet and re-posted them saying horribly hurtful things. She sent me e-mails so full of hate and rage that they made me physically ill. She called our home and taunted me. She began to barrage The Man with phone calls to his cell phone and his office until he was forced to take her calls and then threatened to tell me that they were still together unless he did what she said. He was so turned around that we ended up back at square one over and over and over.

Remember that I referenced her obvious patterns when she re-emerged last month? One of her favorites is to attack, attack, attack then turn around and either claim to be blameless or play the victim. Either way, she acts like she wasn't just five minutes ago spewing poison and butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. We had been battling for almost two months when she sent this to The Man. She knew that I was checking his e-mail every day (part of our trust re-building agreement), so this was really intended for me... I will be unable to resist from commenting, so (as per usual) my comments will be in red... also as usual, names that are changed will be in parenthesis and italics...


(The Man),
  
There were better times... I wish you would have been honest with me... You had the chance to tell me that you weren't ready to do this and it could have saved us both some heartache... To address the 'OG' part of the conversation... Age does not matter... If it did we would have never met... I wasn't too young and too sexy to have sex with you, therefore I am not too young and too sexy to be with you... There is more to us than the physical. (Um, no. There wasn't. You had THREE kids - now four - and he had a full-time job... and a wife... there wasn't TIME for there to be more than the physical... oh, and you have NOTHING in common other than a propensity for adultery)
  
I honestly believe you are still in your marriage because of money... You don't want to lose money (there was no money to lose. People who live moth-to-month don't live in fear of losing money, but nice ploy)... A person that values money over their happiness?... I never can understand that... I would rather die penniless and happy than die rich and miserable... Convenience... You don't love her... you care about her.... She doesn't love you either... she is about the same thing too... money (yeah, I'm all about the money.) ... only with a little twist... She doesn't want to loose to someone else... She will make you feel guilty till you can't stand it anymore... She will never trust you again... not only because of what you have done, but because she knows she has some fault in it too... She let you slip away and she is now insecure... (this is just my take on this) (The manipulation skills displayed in this paragraph literally make me ill. Still.)
  
I am not trying to say that I am all that great, but I believe this will become too much for you... If you really do love me you will miss me too much... You will be back... and because I love you I will take you back any day.... Not because I am an idiot and can't resist you, but because I truly love you and I value what we had.... And when that day comes I want you to know that I wont throw this in your face and say 'i told you so'... All I would want to do is love you and move on from this....I will move on with my life. (I need you, I don't need you. Come back... or don't... whatever....)
  
I asked my husband to come home so we could work on our marriage... I figured (a divorce attorney) not calling me back was maybe a sign?... All I know is I can't go through this break up on my own and I need a companion... He has always been there for me... This will help me take my mind off of this.... Not sure if it will work out, but you never know what could happen. (You left me alone, so I am forced to go back to some other sucker... ?!)

This question remains unanswered... Why did you feel like you wanted to be with me?... Did you feel sorry for me?...  like you could save me from something?... Like I needed your help?... Because if that is the case, I don't need your help.... I need your love.

Well I feel better now that I said what I needed to say... I will wait for you to contact me... When that day comes I will accept you back with open arms and an open heart.

Much love to you,
XOXOXOXO
(the slut child)

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I almost wish I had saved some of the nastiness that she sent to me so that you could see the contrast. I actually have access to some of it... perhaps I'll retrieve and post it.

She made up a pregnancy in March. There were rounds and rounds of 'Poor Me', 'It's Yours', 'It's Not Yours'. She even called MY MOTHER and told her that The Man was trying to force her to have an abortion. My mom already knew the story, and called bullshit. She never called my mom again. I finally sat The Man down and said 'look - it is not physically possible for this to be your baby. The chances that she is even pregnant are slim to none. She will spend another week or so screaming that it's yours, then she'll have a 'traumatic miscarriage' and you will of course be to blame for that. If she IS pregnant, and you are worried that it could be yours, then we'll compel a DNA test after she gives birth. Until that time, there is NOTHING else to be done'. He finally heard me, and we sat down to call her together. It was an incredible conversation that spanned the entire spectrum from 'Save Me' to 'I Hate You'. From 'You Have Responsibilities' to 'You Will NEVER Have Contact With Your Baby'. There was a whole lot of 'Nobody Cares What I Want to Do Here' and 'You Can't Force Me to Kill Your Baby' thrown in for good measure. He finally interrupted her and said 'this is your body and your choice. I am not pushing you in any direction, and I will not attempt to change your mind.' She hung up on him. That was the last that we heard about a 'pregnancy'... until she actually got knocked up again a few moths later...

Now I can't even remember exactly how long this went on. I moved through that time in a fog. We went to work. We went to therapy. We pretended that we were moving forward, but it was more of a manic, insane race to prove to ourselves and the world that we were rock solid and we could become a perfect family.

The Man assured me that Slut Child (I like it. I think I'll use it until I calm down again) had never been to our house, but at her manipulative request, he had taken pictures on his phone of every room in our home and sent them to her. I told him that it felt like she had peed in each room, and I couldn't live there any more. Our lease was coming up for renewal, so we went out and bought our very first house and poured all of our extra time, money and energy into renovating it then moving in.

We had spent the previous fall discussing starting to try for a baby... We were convinced that we could make our marriage work, so we went ahead with our plan, and started working on getting pregnant... strenuously working... :-P We actually succeeded in April (so fast!). I found out at just over 6 weeks. I lost the pregnancy 3 days later.

I didn't stop to mourn or even to think about what happened. I wasn't dealing with most of what was going on - why would this be any different? We just kept working, renovating our new home, moving...

Our first summer in the house was amazing. We swam in our pool every day and every night. We hosted friends and family non-stop. We continued to 'work' on a baby.

I'm going to stop this post here, because the story of the Slut Child pretty much ends here. Next time I have this kind of energy, I'll begin the story of The Most Amazing Baby in the World... and Boobs McChesty.

Bad Dream

This morning, I had the oddest dream. The Man and I were sitting side-by-side and he was using the computer. I leaned into him and said 'whatcha doin'?' The computer screen showed an instant message conversation that he closed before responding 'nothing'. 'Who were you talking to?' I asked. 'Well, I hate to tell you... but... you know... since you were pregnant... um... you-know-who showed up again...' I was instantly furious. I told him that his last chance had just been used up. Then I demanded that he dial her phone number immediately and hand the phone to me. I was going to put paid to this right off the bat. I woke up at this point, and I expected to feel angry and disoriented the way you do when you are coming out of a really crummy dream. I didn't. I felt fine. I knew immediately that it was just a dream and that it had no basis in fact. I was immediately pleased that dream-me was so confident and had acted so decisively.

I think I know where it came from. An on-line friend told me yesterday that her husband just asked her for a divorce. When people say things like that to me, it stirs up weird feelings like sediment from the bottom of my well of well-being. I am tempted to blurt out my whole story so that they know that I understand what they are going through instead of sitting back and letting them talk through their own pain. Yesterday, I ended up doing a little bit of both, but I feel like a struck a good balance. Since we were communicating by e-mail, I gave her a few sentences of my story for background purposes, then told her that I was available for ranting, non-ranting and any other kind of communication that she needed.

Each time that thoughts of the affairs come up these days, I can feel the continuing healing. Each instance is less painful. I can mention what I'm thinking of in a calm way, and the thoughts don't linger. We're both able to acknowledge what has come up, breathe easily and affirm our commitment to and love for each other. Then we move on with our day.

I finally feel like we're healthy and strong enough to heal and move beyond this. It feels good. Like spring sunshine on closed eyelids.

Itchin'

I'm having a bad day. It's making me antsy and cranky. I want to fight. I wish that a certain someone had wanted to engage in a spot of internet warfare so that I could get my fight. I'm full of random venom with nowhere to spew it... wait, maybe that's why SHE started up with me last month! Ohhhhhhhh. *humphf*

Oh well. I'll go fight with my big comfy bed instead. I'll even let it win ;-)