So, let's see... I left off at the end of the summer. It was an idyllic time (for me). Our marriage counsellor had cut us loose with a 'you guys are doing great! Call me if you need a tune-up'. We were swimming, entertaining and... making a baby :-)
I found out that I was pregnant in the middle of October. I was over the moon. I think that The Man was, too. I really thought at that time that things were on the right path. I thought that we were truly happy and had everything that we wanted and more than we needed. I started keeping a journal when I found out that I was expecting. I kept it up for 2 weeks. I stopped keeping it when the division between The Man and I got so big that I no longer understood where I was in my world.
At that time, I was so confused. He just shut off and backed away. He began traveling excessively for work and was gone overnight a minimum of one night each week. I kept begging him to open up and talk to me. He just kept saying that he 'didn't know what was wrong', he just 'wasn't happy' and eventually wasn't sure that he wanted to stay married. By the time he blurted that gem out, it was December. I lost it. I was sacrificing every thing that I knew (including my body, my social life and my career) to grow our (very much wanted) baby in my body, and all he could do was walk away.
I left. My best friend sent me an airplane ticket to England, and I got on that plane without looking back. I didn't know what else to do. I needed time to sort out my own thoughts. I also honestly thought that if we had some time apart, he would be able to sort out his own thoughts... and realize that the baby and I were exactly what he wanted. I know, I know - not a terribly healthy attitude, but it's where I was.
I spent six weeks in England. Emotionally, I was all over the map. Elated about the baby. Positive that my marriage was over then clinging to any hope that I gleaned from my sporadic conversations and e-mails with The Man. Feeling empowered and confident that I could do it on my own if I had to then a weepy bed-ridden mess completely convinced that there was no way I could go it alone.
When I got home, things were just as unsettled as before I left, and The Man was even more distant. I asked him to move into the guest room, then asked him to move out. I just couldn't bear to have him physically close yet emotionally so far. It was awful. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing for him to look at me me, talk to me, just be honest with me. He was a completely different person than the man that I thought I knew. Very condescending and arrogant. We fought and fought and fought.
At some point, I found out that he had a female 'friend'. He swore up and down that she was just a friend. I believed him... then I looked her up on Facebook... and my best friend saw a post to her that referenced her date with a man (who had the same name as my husband) that was quickly removed... and I went into survival/save my marriage mode and sent her this:
I just wanted to let you know a few things... in case you didn't already
1. (The Man) is married and I am pregnant. We are planning to divorce at his instigation, but not until after our daughter gets here.
2. You are not the first girl he has kept a secret from me. Even if you two are just friends, you were something he hid. Which is his pattern.
3. I don't care if you two are friends or lovers. My anger is at him and his lies to me. I am not, nor will I be, 'out to get you' in any way.
Any time there is a clandestine relationship, there is another side of the story. Mine is that my husband of almost 13 years had an affair that shook me to the core. I thought we had recovered from it and were stronger than ever. Then he came to me after we found out that I was pregnant and told me that he didn't think that he loved me any more, and didn't see our marriage surviving.
I am not accusing you of anything, nor do I bear you any ill will. I don't even know you or anything about you. I don't expect or need for you to respond to this. I will not attempt to contact you again.
He was furious with me. She completely cut off contact with him after receiving my missive. I had my answer - she had been his girlfriend. I chose to ignore that, and continued to believe that she was a well-meaning 'friend' who stepped out of the way when she was made aware of the situation. Delusional, yet it worked for me.
I wasn't until September of last year - a year and a half after it ended - that I found out the truth. He met her on an airplane in November. That was when he shut me out. He began an affair with her that lasted from then until my e-mail. When I left the country hoping to give my husband room to come back to me, I had actually left him the room to see his long-distance girlfriend more easily and openly. When he left town claiming to need time to 'clarify how he felt', he was spending his time with her.
Finding this out left me conflicted and sickened. The Man was so lost. For him, it was over, and had been for a long time. He knew who we were, and where he wanted to be.
For me it was new and raw. I was immediately thrust back in to that time. I saw the progress that we had made through a different lens. My head was full of a chorus of 'He didn't come back to you. His girlfriend left him, so you're just the default. He didn't choose you.'
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