So. Very. Tired.

I can't relax. I don't know how. Even as a massage therapist, I never tell my clients to 'relaaaax' - because it offends me when other practitioners say it to me. That's right - even when I receive a massage I don't relax. I think I'm relaxed, but then the therapist asks me to unclench my hand or release my arm.

Today is a prime example. My Darling Daughter woke up at 7. This was sort of a treat, since she usually wakes up crying between 5 and 6. That's when she comes in with me (The Man's in the shower or gone by then) and has her only nursing session of the day. Since she was so late today, she decided not to go back to sleep once she was done nursing. Fine. 'Should we go to the zoo today?' 'YES! Ish, Mama. Hippos.'

That was one of the last positive exchanges that we had all morning.

By 10:45, she was in full-on meltdown mode, and I was exhausted. We finally made it to the zoo around 11, and she calmed down considerably. She fell asleep around 12:30 on the way home... which sucks. She has never in her entire life transferred asleep from the car to the house. When she was smaller, I'd stay in the car until she woke up. She ended up going down for her nap at 2.

I ordered myself to bed around 3. I was (AM!) so tired that my eyes ache, but here's what my brain was doing:

- The poor dog is so itchy. I wish her bath appointment was today and not tomorrow.
- What time did the baby go down? Two? And it's 3:08 now. Maybe I'll get 52 minutes of sleep. Maybe it'll just be 22 minutes. Maybe I should stay awake.
- 'If I say HOT, what's the opposite word? The opposite word is COLD. Hot, hot, HOT, hot. The opposite of hot is cold.' (that one is set to music)
- Dinner tonight... dinner tonight... brown rice... and grilled chicken - oops, need a new propane tank! Can I lift that thing? How does it detach from the grill?... what vegetables are in season? I could make that salad like Mama made...
- What time is it now? How many minutes until she wakes up? Should I just stay awake?

This went on like a tornado in my head until I passed out. I have no idea what time it was since I refused to open my eyes... UNTIL THE DOORBELL RANG!!!! ItchBiteScratchChew Dog went ape shit. I (with my poor disoriented heart pounding) leapt up to get to the door before the dog woke up the baby.

The new pool guy. I'm so glad he's here, but I may kill him for waking me up. The best part? He seems to be gone. I think that he took one look at our pool and left. I wouldn't blame him, but if it's true, I'll cry... Who am I kidding? I'm probably going to cry anyway...

Why can't I relax?

Gimme A Minute

Last night I was in bed reading. The Man was still puttering about the house. I had just gotten really comfortable when our old guy cat came in and started yelling at me. Since I thought he was outside, this was a surprise.

I got up and went to investigate. I couldn't find The Man anywhere inside. This meant that he was outside. That means that he was smoking. I started to get tense and angry - he's supposed to be quitting! Then I saw him. He was kicked back in one of our patio chairs with his feet on another chair. He was smoking, yes, but he was also so relaxed... just staring at the almost-full moon and enjoying himself.

I felt all of my anger and tension drain away. I walked outside and kissed him on the head. I told him that I loved him and I went back to reading.

We can disagree about the smoking later.

Needs Work

Things have been a little bit weird lately. We stopped trying to prevent pregnancy in January. Since we're not 'baby crazy', that's our version of trying to conceive. Apparently we're really good at it. I've already been up knocked up twice. I've also miscarried twice.

The first time, I found out at 4 weeks and started spotting at 4 weeks and 2 days. I started obviously miscarrying at 5 weeks and 5 days.

The second time was an accident. I had just finished my first miscarriage, and we had an evening that involved a too much wine and too little birth control. I'd just had a doctor's visit, and she didn't say that we needed to wait to try again but I kind of thought that we should. Although we both know where babies come from, neither of us was really thinking that I'd get pregnant again so soon. I mean, my body had just been through a bit of a crisis. Would it even be ready again? Well, yes and no. I got a positive home pregnancy test at 4 weeks, and another 2 and 5 days later. We were so excited! Then I miscarried dramatically at 5 weeks.

Being in possession of wildly fluctuating hormone levels for so long took a toll on me and on The Man. It's one thing to be pregnant and to understand and adjust to the changes that are occurring. It's another thing entirely to lose a pregnancy, almost re-regulate your emotional self then start the roller coaster again... and get off it again.

I began to feel unsure of myself and I projected it onto The Man. I even accused him (obliquely) of having another affair when I couldn't get ahold of him for an hour or so one day. The ridiculous part was that he was defensive and pissy when he came home that day. I decided that this was even more evidence to support my insanity but really he was mad about something that I had muttered at him whist still asleep that morning... Communication is KEY, people. Without it, we're just shadow boxing with our fears.

My task for myself is to return to what I consider to be normal. It's time to feel like ME - whatever that means. Time to feel good in my body. Time to enjoy this amazing life that I have. Time to define what it means to me to be a stay-at-home mother of a two-year-old... or is it time to go back to work? Ugh. Maybe I should just get through this week then see where I am...i

If we still want to try for another baby in a few months, then we will. If we decide that the one that we have is so awesome that she counts as two, then so be it.