Needs Work

Things have been a little bit weird lately. We stopped trying to prevent pregnancy in January. Since we're not 'baby crazy', that's our version of trying to conceive. Apparently we're really good at it. I've already been up knocked up twice. I've also miscarried twice.

The first time, I found out at 4 weeks and started spotting at 4 weeks and 2 days. I started obviously miscarrying at 5 weeks and 5 days.

The second time was an accident. I had just finished my first miscarriage, and we had an evening that involved a too much wine and too little birth control. I'd just had a doctor's visit, and she didn't say that we needed to wait to try again but I kind of thought that we should. Although we both know where babies come from, neither of us was really thinking that I'd get pregnant again so soon. I mean, my body had just been through a bit of a crisis. Would it even be ready again? Well, yes and no. I got a positive home pregnancy test at 4 weeks, and another 2 and 5 days later. We were so excited! Then I miscarried dramatically at 5 weeks.

Being in possession of wildly fluctuating hormone levels for so long took a toll on me and on The Man. It's one thing to be pregnant and to understand and adjust to the changes that are occurring. It's another thing entirely to lose a pregnancy, almost re-regulate your emotional self then start the roller coaster again... and get off it again.

I began to feel unsure of myself and I projected it onto The Man. I even accused him (obliquely) of having another affair when I couldn't get ahold of him for an hour or so one day. The ridiculous part was that he was defensive and pissy when he came home that day. I decided that this was even more evidence to support my insanity but really he was mad about something that I had muttered at him whist still asleep that morning... Communication is KEY, people. Without it, we're just shadow boxing with our fears.

My task for myself is to return to what I consider to be normal. It's time to feel like ME - whatever that means. Time to feel good in my body. Time to enjoy this amazing life that I have. Time to define what it means to me to be a stay-at-home mother of a two-year-old... or is it time to go back to work? Ugh. Maybe I should just get through this week then see where I am...i

If we still want to try for another baby in a few months, then we will. If we decide that the one that we have is so awesome that she counts as two, then so be it.