This was the Baby's birthday weekend. That means that my in-laws were here. That means that my mother-in-law used her not inconsiderable talents as a nag aaaaaaaaall over me for a few days in a row.
You know, the whole thing would be easier if I could just write my in-laws out of my life. The thing is, even though they are in turn rude, racist and controlling, they truly love us, and want to be part of our lives. For the most part, I have managed to find a comfortable balance for myself over the years. Visiting them on occasion and having them in our home in a slow, comfortable cycle. I was able to calm down after each encounter, and purge the negativity as I went. In fact, I would actually look forward to our visits... only to then be blindsided by the inevitable back-handed 'compliment' or scathing condemnation disguised as an innocent passing remark. But it was still water off a duck until our daughter was born.
While we've never directly told his parents about any of our marital strife, his mother seems to have picked up on hints of it, and has incorrectly diagnosed it as 'ALL HER FAULT' (The Her here being ME). After I returned from England, and just shortly after Darling Daughter was born, she went so far as to send me a letter of Helpful Hints to Keep a Husband Happy (full of wonderful bon mots such as 'compliment him when he wears a suit') and even attempted to force a Dr. Laura Slessinger book on me. Since then, she has absolutely hounded me about every. little. thing.
She insists on clipping and sending me coupons then berates me for wasting her time.
One of the first things out of her mouth every time we talk 'privately' is an inquiry into how much I've worked since we last spoke even though she knows that I am only on-call and only have child care for a few hours each week.
Every shared meal becomes an attempt to show me how much I overpay for food. She thinks that my family should eat processed foods because they are cheaper.
My daughter has 'too many' toys. That one pisses me off even more than the others. We RARELY purchase toys for her, and when we do they are small and inexpensive. She happens to be blessed with a community of family and friends (The In-Laws included!) who shower her with gifts (new and used).
She insists on 'helping' with either cooking or cleaning then abandons her task halfway insisting that I just won't allow her to help.
Add in the afore-mentioned back-handed 'compliment' or scathing condemnation disguised as an innocent passing remark, and I am either emotionally wiped out or shaking with rage... or both... by the time we part ways.
This visit added in my first trimester exhaustion and the strain of our current situation. All I can say is that I am truly grateful to The Man and the bond that we share.
We've been doing pretty well lately what with communicating and all. We were able to work as a team all weekend and have a wonderful time with our daughter. It was a good thing.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Stuck
The tiny obsessive hamster in my brain is stuck on his wheel. As it turns, I hear 'If it's all so unconnected to 'us', then why did it kick into high gear when we decided to try for another baby' over and over and over.
Until the first of this year, The Man's addiction was fairly low-key. Then, like a switch was flipped, it jumps into a frenzy of activity, and moves from occasional personal meetings to desperate need.
He refuses to admit a connection. We're going nowhere.
I need a place to talk. I need an outlet. Spewing my nonsense onto the web doesn't fix anything. Right now, I feel muted. I feel like there's not a space for my feelings. I know it's not the truth, but I feel like The Man having an addiction and seeking help means that I have to keep quiet and not vomit my anger and confusion onto him when he walks in the door.
Today, I went up to his office to talk to him. I just couldn't spend the whole day making myself crazy without saying anything. I don't feel any better. He has no answers. He can't tell me how to rebuild my trust in him. He doesn't have some magical spell that would reveal any remaining secrets to me and assure me that there's not more of this shit waiting around the bend.
Today is a bad day. Today I'm barely treading water. Today I futilely beat my fists against imaginary walls and demand answers from the air. Today I'm going back to bed.
Until the first of this year, The Man's addiction was fairly low-key. Then, like a switch was flipped, it jumps into a frenzy of activity, and moves from occasional personal meetings to desperate need.
He refuses to admit a connection. We're going nowhere.
I need a place to talk. I need an outlet. Spewing my nonsense onto the web doesn't fix anything. Right now, I feel muted. I feel like there's not a space for my feelings. I know it's not the truth, but I feel like The Man having an addiction and seeking help means that I have to keep quiet and not vomit my anger and confusion onto him when he walks in the door.
Today, I went up to his office to talk to him. I just couldn't spend the whole day making myself crazy without saying anything. I don't feel any better. He has no answers. He can't tell me how to rebuild my trust in him. He doesn't have some magical spell that would reveal any remaining secrets to me and assure me that there's not more of this shit waiting around the bend.
Today is a bad day. Today I'm barely treading water. Today I futilely beat my fists against imaginary walls and demand answers from the air. Today I'm going back to bed.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Not Worth The Time
I didn't share this before, because I'm embarrassed that I did it. Apparently, I have no problem crowing my most private humiliations from the blog-tops, but this was done on a whim, and then I was mortified that I did it at all. I'm sharing it now because I need to hold myself accountable for my actions - even (and especially) the stupid ones.
The other night, after I talked to The Man about how his latest girlfriend was really into him, but she 'meant nothing' to him, I felt really bad. For her... 'cause I'm ahormonal wreck softie. So, as a follow-up to some of the nastiness that I had been sending her way, I fired this off:
------------------------
Then I got this back:
From:(me)
To: (her)
Subject: RE: I'm sorry
Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2011 13:07:22 -0500
We are not going to hug, and talk of suicide is a bit over the top. As angry as I am, I don't blame you. In an adulterous relationship, the blame lies with the spouse, not the partner they chose. You are not married to me, you don't owe me anything.
I hope that you want more for yourself in the future than a sex addict who is cheating on his wife to be with you. Everyone deserves more than that.
---------------------
Really? I had to end with the bitchy, backhanded 'compliment'? Why did I start this in the first place? So far, she's had more sense than to reply to me. I'm a viper in a rose costume.
The other night, after I talked to The Man about how his latest girlfriend was really into him, but she 'meant nothing' to him, I felt really bad. For her... 'cause I'm a
From: (me)
To: (her)
Sent: Thu, June 9, 2011 10:27:43 PM
Subject: I'm sorry
I truly am. It seems that you may have really cared for him, and this has been a cruel and awful end to it. I let rage guide me, and I said hateful things.
-(me)
------------------------
Then I got this back:
Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2011 08:03:08 -0700
From: (her)
Subject: Re: I'm sorry
To: (me)
No ma'am, you have no reason to apologize. Everything you said and did was done for good reason. I deserved it. If I could make it all go away, or hit rewind and erase it all, I would. I never meant any harm to anyone. I know how stupid that sounds but it's true. When I read your email this morning I fell apart. That email showed me what kind of person you really are, you are a good person. The damage I caused you and your family is tearing me apart. I know how much you must hate me and you have every right, but I swear right now, all I want to do is hug you and tell you how very sorry I am and cry. I don't deserve your forgiveness but thank you. I wanted to apologize immediately, but because of all your well deserved anger, I felt it best to take the punishment and try to cope with it, and it was very hard and hurtful and I saw myself very differently through your eyes. I did not like myself at all. That person I was reading about was really nothing like the person I am. I really am a good person with a loving heart and yes, I made a horrible mistake, a mistake that will haunt me forever. And you are right, I do care for him greatly and considered him to be a good friend, one that I will truly miss. But I give you my word, I will never cause you any more pain.
I have seriously considered taking my life to save yours. And again, I am so so very sorry, I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
------------------------
Huh? Oi. Now I've stepped in it. Then I was annoyed, so I sent this off:
From:(me)
To: (her)
Subject: RE: I'm sorry
Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2011 13:07:22 -0500
We are not going to hug, and talk of suicide is a bit over the top. As angry as I am, I don't blame you. In an adulterous relationship, the blame lies with the spouse, not the partner they chose. You are not married to me, you don't owe me anything.
I hope that you want more for yourself in the future than a sex addict who is cheating on his wife to be with you. Everyone deserves more than that.
---------------------
Really? I had to end with the bitchy, backhanded 'compliment'? Why did I start this in the first place? So far, she's had more sense than to reply to me. I'm a viper in a rose costume.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Stalled Out
I have no idea where I stand, you guys. I know that we have a LOT of work to do, but I still don't know where to start. It doesn't help that I've been absolutely panic stricken about money and so exhausted that I can barely function. It has taken all of my remaining energy to maintain a calm, normal front for our daughter. I've lost the will to force any issue.
The man is completely apologetic (but not fawningly or obnoxiously so) and presenting a 'I want to be here 110%' front. He continues to go to meetings, and has given up smoking as well. We really and truly cannot afford for him to leave. Forcing him to do so puts a huge burden on me - and that feels unfair.
Then there's the pregnancy. My first midwife visit was completely uneventful. Everything on track... even asked for the STD panel to be included in my blood work. Embarrassing, but not fatal. I'm a bit scared that additional stress in my first trimester will compromise the pregnancy... believe me, I'm stressed out enough already.
Then there's The Child. Her birthday is coming up. The Man's parents and one of his sisters (not the one I sent this blog to) are coming into town to celebrate with us. I'm not in the mood to discuss our current tribulations with them. Once again, it will be easier for me, not to address this while they're around...
Of course, acting like everything is fine when it's not is exactly what I had hoped to avoid. It allows both of us to continue to not correct anything or make any changes. Not productive.
Bleh.
The man is completely apologetic (but not fawningly or obnoxiously so) and presenting a 'I want to be here 110%' front. He continues to go to meetings, and has given up smoking as well. We really and truly cannot afford for him to leave. Forcing him to do so puts a huge burden on me - and that feels unfair.
Then there's the pregnancy. My first midwife visit was completely uneventful. Everything on track... even asked for the STD panel to be included in my blood work. Embarrassing, but not fatal. I'm a bit scared that additional stress in my first trimester will compromise the pregnancy... believe me, I'm stressed out enough already.
Then there's The Child. Her birthday is coming up. The Man's parents and one of his sisters (not the one I sent this blog to) are coming into town to celebrate with us. I'm not in the mood to discuss our current tribulations with them. Once again, it will be easier for me, not to address this while they're around...
Of course, acting like everything is fine when it's not is exactly what I had hoped to avoid. It allows both of us to continue to not correct anything or make any changes. Not productive.
Bleh.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Interlude
Last night as we walked toward our separate bedrooms, I stopped and teared up. 'What am I supposed to do with you?' I asked.
The Man thought about it for a second.
'You could hug me and then stab me a little.'
'Then you would exsanguinate before we got anywhere in this!'
'Well, maybe you could use something small. Maybe not so big?'
'Then how would you LEARN?'
It's hard. We've been together for a really, really long time. We share over 17 years of stories, silliness, heartache, loss, triumph, growth and even just stillness. It's impossible to ignore that and look at him like a stranger.
The Man thought about it for a second.
'You could hug me and then stab me a little.'
'Then you would exsanguinate before we got anywhere in this!'
'Well, maybe you could use something small. Maybe not so big?'
'Then how would you LEARN?'
It's hard. We've been together for a really, really long time. We share over 17 years of stories, silliness, heartache, loss, triumph, growth and even just stillness. It's impossible to ignore that and look at him like a stranger.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
...
We talked for a long time tonight. I don't feel any better. I don't think that The Man does either.
I'm having a hard time lumping 'it' all together as The Addiction. I acutely feel the sting of each betrayal.
The Man seems to be stuck in a loop of 'it all runs together for me', 'those girls meant nothing', 'I know what I said to them, but I didn't mean any of it'. What he cannot seem to accept is that those statements actually make it all worse. That he can be so calculatingly manipulative. That he refuses to see the effect this has on the women he has used. That the words of love he utters to me have been used in situations that 'mean nothing'. How in the world can I ever believe him again?
He also managed to slide in an unintended hurt. In trying to tell me how little the latest one meant to him, he said 'It's like you're trying to compare her to Slut Child or Boobs McChesty (obviously, that's me using their aliases - he doesn't call them that...)' - thus saying that those two DID mean something to him, when he's maintained up until now that they didn't. *sigh* More lies.
Where's the bottom? When does it get better?
I'm having a hard time lumping 'it' all together as The Addiction. I acutely feel the sting of each betrayal.
The Man seems to be stuck in a loop of 'it all runs together for me', 'those girls meant nothing', 'I know what I said to them, but I didn't mean any of it'. What he cannot seem to accept is that those statements actually make it all worse. That he can be so calculatingly manipulative. That he refuses to see the effect this has on the women he has used. That the words of love he utters to me have been used in situations that 'mean nothing'. How in the world can I ever believe him again?
He also managed to slide in an unintended hurt. In trying to tell me how little the latest one meant to him, he said 'It's like you're trying to compare her to Slut Child or Boobs McChesty (obviously, that's me using their aliases - he doesn't call them that...)' - thus saying that those two DID mean something to him, when he's maintained up until now that they didn't. *sigh* More lies.
Where's the bottom? When does it get better?
Just Keep Swimming
The World's Most Amazing Baby is loving 'Finding Nemo'. I am enduring it, and taking a page out of Dory's book. Just keep swimming... Just keep swimming.
Some days, any kind of movement is the best you can hope for. Forward movement is good. Positive movement is best.
Today, I'm moving. I can't tell yet if it's treading water, swimming or winning (thank you, Charlie Sheen, for this fantastic addition to the pop culture lexicon), but I'm moving.
Today is officially 5 weeks pregnant. I seem to have developed evening sickness instead of morning sickness. Drat. Other than that... and the bloating... and the mood swings... I feel pretty great :-P
Today I'm ready to talk to The Man some more about the reasons why I am so angry. Like why all of the things that I have begged him for for years (like time, pursuit, effort, diversity...) are part of his addiction, but not part of his relationship with me.
Some days, any kind of movement is the best you can hope for. Forward movement is good. Positive movement is best.
Today, I'm moving. I can't tell yet if it's treading water, swimming or winning (thank you, Charlie Sheen, for this fantastic addition to the pop culture lexicon), but I'm moving.
Today is officially 5 weeks pregnant. I seem to have developed evening sickness instead of morning sickness. Drat. Other than that... and the bloating... and the mood swings... I feel pretty great :-P
Today I'm ready to talk to The Man some more about the reasons why I am so angry. Like why all of the things that I have begged him for for years (like time, pursuit, effort, diversity...) are part of his addiction, but not part of his relationship with me.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Lost
I feel really lost today. Yesterday I was so determined and could see everything so clearly. Today I can't remember why he has to leave the house and can't just live in the guest room.
I'm not just tired, I'm worn out. I still have no idea what my next step is or when I'll start to feel better. I am furious that I have to do this alone.
I'm not just tired, I'm worn out. I still have no idea what my next step is or when I'll start to feel better. I am furious that I have to do this alone.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wiped Out
Today I said some things that were harder for me than just about any other moment in my life. Considering what we've been through in the past few years, that's saying a lot.
I had to ask my husband to move out. I then had to explain to him that it wasn't up to me to figure out how that would work, where he would stay or where the money would come from. That this was happening because of the choices that he made, therefore he was responsible for working through it. Not me.
I didn't say it out of anger or hate or spite. I believe that I said it from a place of love. I really do love him. I truly hope that our marriage can survive this. That makes it even more important that true acceptance of the situation takes place so that true healing has a chance to begin. As long as he's here, I'll make excuses for him and rationalize his actions because it would truly be easier to keep him here. Without him, I'm a single parent. Without him, I lose my best friend. Without him, I sleep alone in our bed.
I've been making my decisions based on what would be easiest for all of us - less disruptive. What I need to do is make decisions that can lead to positive change. Our daughter will feel the disruption. It will be hard. It will be better for her if she has the chance to grow up as the daughter of a recovering sex addict than the daughter of an active sex addict. She also needs a mother who can show her that how to set healthy limits, not one who acts like a doormat or takes the easy way out.
I'm not cutting him out of my life. If he wants to, he will always be a part of our daughter's life. If he really wants to, there's a chance that we can save our marriage.
The next part of the process is going to be hard. Recovery is not something that happens because you decide to go to meetings. Recovery begins when you hit rock bottom and decide to make huge changes in the way that you live your entire life. Recovery from addiction takes place every single day for the rest of your life. There is a chance that The Man will not succeed. I don't have any way of knowing how this will go down, and it is completely out of my control. The only thing that I can do is take care of myself and our babies. His recovery is 100% up to him.
I will NOT spend my life worried that my husband is cheating on me. I WILL have a life filled with love and light. I WILL be a woman that my daughter can look up to.
I had to ask my husband to move out. I then had to explain to him that it wasn't up to me to figure out how that would work, where he would stay or where the money would come from. That this was happening because of the choices that he made, therefore he was responsible for working through it. Not me.
I didn't say it out of anger or hate or spite. I believe that I said it from a place of love. I really do love him. I truly hope that our marriage can survive this. That makes it even more important that true acceptance of the situation takes place so that true healing has a chance to begin. As long as he's here, I'll make excuses for him and rationalize his actions because it would truly be easier to keep him here. Without him, I'm a single parent. Without him, I lose my best friend. Without him, I sleep alone in our bed.
I've been making my decisions based on what would be easiest for all of us - less disruptive. What I need to do is make decisions that can lead to positive change. Our daughter will feel the disruption. It will be hard. It will be better for her if she has the chance to grow up as the daughter of a recovering sex addict than the daughter of an active sex addict. She also needs a mother who can show her that how to set healthy limits, not one who acts like a doormat or takes the easy way out.
I'm not cutting him out of my life. If he wants to, he will always be a part of our daughter's life. If he really wants to, there's a chance that we can save our marriage.
The next part of the process is going to be hard. Recovery is not something that happens because you decide to go to meetings. Recovery begins when you hit rock bottom and decide to make huge changes in the way that you live your entire life. Recovery from addiction takes place every single day for the rest of your life. There is a chance that The Man will not succeed. I don't have any way of knowing how this will go down, and it is completely out of my control. The only thing that I can do is take care of myself and our babies. His recovery is 100% up to him.
I will NOT spend my life worried that my husband is cheating on me. I WILL have a life filled with love and light. I WILL be a woman that my daughter can look up to.
Monday, June 6, 2011
'Meh' Day... I've had worse.
Today was the day that The Man was scheduled to leave town for a 3 week trial. He was supposed to come home for the weekends, but that's still 5 full days of solo parenting. If you are not already a solo parent, this is a horrifying thought.
As angry and crazy as I've been, it still broke my heart to think about our daughter crying for her Daddy every night. I knew that this was what was in store for me because she cries her heart out any night that he's not home to put her to bed. The thought of 4-5 nights in a row made me tired and sad.
I was relieved that we were going to have some distance, but I already had a case of the crazies working. My mind raced like a coked-up lab rat, and almost none of it was pleasant. I spent all day trying not to cry. Our daughter knew that something was up all day, and had been alternately cranky and babbling non-stop about her daddy...
And then he walked in the door just after 7 p.m. I am really pissed about how relieved I was to see him. The baby was over the moon. She actually stuttered and stared at him for several minutes as though she wasn't sure he was real.
Their big case settled as they were finishing up day 1 at the courthouse. They jumped back in their rental car and raced home so that they could all surprise their families.
I don't even know how to begin to process my feelings. I'm still furious. I still feel betrayed and sad. I'm still acting crazy. I was happy to see him. What the hell is wrong with me?
My friends are trying, but the whole topic is so awful that they can't talk about it for more than a minute or two. My mom is too mad to talk AND she tries really hard not to give advice. This is great most of the time, but when you want so badly for it to just be fixed, you kind-of long for a buttinski mom. There are no codependents of sex addicts meetings in this town. What the hell? So he can go to a meeting any damn day of the week, but I have to flounder along without the support of anyone who knows what I'm going through?! Fantastic.
As angry and crazy as I've been, it still broke my heart to think about our daughter crying for her Daddy every night. I knew that this was what was in store for me because she cries her heart out any night that he's not home to put her to bed. The thought of 4-5 nights in a row made me tired and sad.
I was relieved that we were going to have some distance, but I already had a case of the crazies working. My mind raced like a coked-up lab rat, and almost none of it was pleasant. I spent all day trying not to cry. Our daughter knew that something was up all day, and had been alternately cranky and babbling non-stop about her daddy...
And then he walked in the door just after 7 p.m. I am really pissed about how relieved I was to see him. The baby was over the moon. She actually stuttered and stared at him for several minutes as though she wasn't sure he was real.
Their big case settled as they were finishing up day 1 at the courthouse. They jumped back in their rental car and raced home so that they could all surprise their families.
I don't even know how to begin to process my feelings. I'm still furious. I still feel betrayed and sad. I'm still acting crazy. I was happy to see him. What the hell is wrong with me?
My friends are trying, but the whole topic is so awful that they can't talk about it for more than a minute or two. My mom is too mad to talk AND she tries really hard not to give advice. This is great most of the time, but when you want so badly for it to just be fixed, you kind-of long for a buttinski mom. There are no codependents of sex addicts meetings in this town. What the hell? So he can go to a meeting any damn day of the week, but I have to flounder along without the support of anyone who knows what I'm going through?! Fantastic.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
New Day, New Pendulum Swing
I kind of remember this from the very first go-round with the Slut Child. I swing wildly and without warning between raging-ly furious, calm, crying and asleep.
I am in the process of finding a local meeting of the codependents of sexual addicts group.
I have a session with a counselor on Tuesday.
The Man has already been to two meetings. While that's a great thing for him, it's hard for me. He's so thrilled to be taking action, and is already repeating portions of the steps as fact. I, on the other hand, have had no action to take and am completely bogged down in my rage. He's already cheerfully talking about 'later when everything's o.k.' It makes me want to slap him... again... shit. I still cannot believe that happened. I hit another person. I am so ashamed to have lost control so completely.
I slept for 2 solid hours this afternoon. Because of the whole pregnancy thing, I was out so solidly that the back of my head hurts and my jaw aches from grinding my teeth. The last dream that I had before the toddler woke me up was that a friend and I were repairing a piece of roof on a shopping center, and she fell. I was unable to catch her, and had to watch her fall, call 911 and then call her husband. Of course, I couldn't make the phone work, and she was dying in front of me while I tried to reassure her. Wow. Stress much?
If I had no children (actual or embryonic) to consider, I might crawl into a bottle or my bed (or both) for a while. It's a huge blessing to have them both. They are keeping me functional and forcing me to be much more positive than I would normally be. The Lord knows what he's doing. Not only am I aware that I can handle this, I know that I have to.
Oddly enough, last time it got this bad... wait, this is the worst. shit... I was pregnant. Excellent timing, Sir. Way to keep me out of the bars.
This pregnancy feels different than the losses. With the first one, I was excited, but when the spotting stated, I was secretly convinced that it was over. I kept up hope, but lost the pregnancy anyway. The second one was also exciting, but I felt like it wasn't mine from the beginning. I was sad when I lost the pregnancy, but sure that it was the right thing. This time, I just feel calm. I'm having all sorts of almost constant aches and cramps, but I'm not worried. It feels normal... more normal than anything else does right now.
I am in the process of finding a local meeting of the codependents of sexual addicts group.
I have a session with a counselor on Tuesday.
The Man has already been to two meetings. While that's a great thing for him, it's hard for me. He's so thrilled to be taking action, and is already repeating portions of the steps as fact. I, on the other hand, have had no action to take and am completely bogged down in my rage. He's already cheerfully talking about 'later when everything's o.k.' It makes me want to slap him... again... shit. I still cannot believe that happened. I hit another person. I am so ashamed to have lost control so completely.
I slept for 2 solid hours this afternoon. Because of the whole pregnancy thing, I was out so solidly that the back of my head hurts and my jaw aches from grinding my teeth. The last dream that I had before the toddler woke me up was that a friend and I were repairing a piece of roof on a shopping center, and she fell. I was unable to catch her, and had to watch her fall, call 911 and then call her husband. Of course, I couldn't make the phone work, and she was dying in front of me while I tried to reassure her. Wow. Stress much?
If I had no children (actual or embryonic) to consider, I might crawl into a bottle or my bed (or both) for a while. It's a huge blessing to have them both. They are keeping me functional and forcing me to be much more positive than I would normally be. The Lord knows what he's doing. Not only am I aware that I can handle this, I know that I have to.
Oddly enough, last time it got this bad... wait, this is the worst. shit... I was pregnant. Excellent timing, Sir. Way to keep me out of the bars.
This pregnancy feels different than the losses. With the first one, I was excited, but when the spotting stated, I was secretly convinced that it was over. I kept up hope, but lost the pregnancy anyway. The second one was also exciting, but I felt like it wasn't mine from the beginning. I was sad when I lost the pregnancy, but sure that it was the right thing. This time, I just feel calm. I'm having all sorts of almost constant aches and cramps, but I'm not worried. It feels normal... more normal than anything else does right now.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Who IS That?
I can't even recognize myself. All I can see is a fat, tired, sad, old lady. I didn't sleep last night. In the early hours of this morning, I texted this blog address to his sister like some sort of psycho.
-------------
When I found out about the unprotected sex, I hit him. I slapped my husband. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to hit him until he hurt as much as I did. Who does that? I'm not some out of control ghetto bitch who asks her girlfriends to hold her weave while she beats the shit out of her rival.
-------------
Why does he have to keep giving me away? I waited for him every day. I trusted him every day. I begged him to be with me. To be present in our marriage. Instead, I'm a line that he uses to try to get laid. 'My wife doesn't understand me', 'we never have sex'. I am an object of scorn, pity and ridicule all over the skankiest parts of the internet.
-------------
When I found out about the unprotected sex, I hit him. I slapped my husband. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to hit him until he hurt as much as I did. Who does that? I'm not some out of control ghetto bitch who asks her girlfriends to hold her weave while she beats the shit out of her rival.
-------------
Why does he have to keep giving me away? I waited for him every day. I trusted him every day. I begged him to be with me. To be present in our marriage. Instead, I'm a line that he uses to try to get laid. 'My wife doesn't understand me', 'we never have sex'. I am an object of scorn, pity and ridicule all over the skankiest parts of the internet.
Friday, June 3, 2011
dammit.
You know, I felt like this had to get worse. I mean, as bad as it's been, it didn't feel awful enough to be rock bottom. I was calm, and nobody had been kicked out of the house.
I was right. NOW I may or may not have found rock bottom. I am actually going to post it here. I may even wrap this whole fucking blog up with a ribbon and deliver it to my in-laws as a 50th wedding anniversary gift 'cause this shit is goooooold, baby.
In addition to doing his girlfriend in a parking garage (I know, classy, right?), the two of them were unprotected. You heard me. Supposedly she is 'fixed' or 'defective' or something, so they figured 'why not?'
WHY NOT?! Yeah, why the fuck not. Try thinking about the two other people in you marriages YOU ASSHOLES. Maybe think about the possibility that one of you has picked up a guest on your travels around the adulterous whore circuit. Maybe the one of you who is ACTIVELY TRYING TO CONCEIVE A CHILD with their spouse could think about someone other than themselves for one damn moment. But I guess that would destroy the magic of an affair... if you thought about someone else...
So, it gets better. Yep. At my first OB appointment for my current pregnancy, I will need to ask for a full STD screening. No shame there. Happily married, monogamous wife joyfully conceived her second child with her husband of 15 years. No reason for tears.
AND IT GETS BETTER. They met in person for the first time ON MY BIRTHDAY. No birthday lunch for the wife, but for the internet whore, sure. Oh, and he complained to her about the infrequency of our sexual encounters. Asshole. My next husband will want to be with me every damn day.
This one is not coming near me again.
I was right. NOW I may or may not have found rock bottom. I am actually going to post it here. I may even wrap this whole fucking blog up with a ribbon and deliver it to my in-laws as a 50th wedding anniversary gift 'cause this shit is goooooold, baby.
In addition to doing his girlfriend in a parking garage (I know, classy, right?), the two of them were unprotected. You heard me. Supposedly she is 'fixed' or 'defective' or something, so they figured 'why not?'
WHY NOT?! Yeah, why the fuck not. Try thinking about the two other people in you marriages YOU ASSHOLES. Maybe think about the possibility that one of you has picked up a guest on your travels around the adulterous whore circuit. Maybe the one of you who is ACTIVELY TRYING TO CONCEIVE A CHILD with their spouse could think about someone other than themselves for one damn moment. But I guess that would destroy the magic of an affair... if you thought about someone else...
So, it gets better. Yep. At my first OB appointment for my current pregnancy, I will need to ask for a full STD screening. No shame there. Happily married, monogamous wife joyfully conceived her second child with her husband of 15 years. No reason for tears.
AND IT GETS BETTER. They met in person for the first time ON MY BIRTHDAY. No birthday lunch for the wife, but for the internet whore, sure. Oh, and he complained to her about the infrequency of our sexual encounters. Asshole. My next husband will want to be with me every damn day.
This one is not coming near me again.
Look Over Here
My post title is two-fold.
First, there are a few (very minor) layout changes to the blog. Check out my profile pic. That's me right now - partially submerged in case of emergency. If need be, I can close up my nostrils and dive for safety. You heard me. I'm a hippo. Also, I changed the header. I'm no longer poking the bear, I'm just talking about me. I am going to leave all of the previous posts intact. They were my truth at the time.
Second, I'm a tap dancer. Not in real life. In real life, I'm a terrible tap dancer - just ask my last teacher. She would yell things like 'Ba-da-da-da-DUM' and expect me to do the corresponding step immediately. She expected this because I had taken tap dancing before in my life - when I was 13 (and I wasn't that great at it then). When she knew me, I was 25, overweight and awful at tap. But I digress (Kittyn, does that make me part of the team?!). The tap dancing that I'm talking about is a diversionary tactic. If things are going poorly, I plow ahead full-steam as though everything is fine and I know exactly how to fix it if they're not. Usually when this occurs, I am also a bit wan faced and have a scarily manic look in my eye. You know. Tap dancing. 'Look over HERE! Not over there. Everything's FINE! I've got this!!!'
My hope is that this time around I will not tap dance. While I don't plan on wandering around looking lost, pathetic or hopeless (mainly because I'm not), I also don't plan on becoming manic and crazy trying to prove that everything is all right. Because it's not. But there is no need for crisis mode either. No one is in any danger.
I would like to promise myself to try and take this as it comes. No borrowing of trouble. No idealizing of possible outcomes. Just live in my now and breathe. I can do this. Whatever 'it' ends up being.
Oh, By the by. I have to poke one more time. Whoever that woman was that sent the info in February, she's alllllll worked up now. She thought that I would thank her for the info, and her feelings are hurt that I got all crazy angry and didn't believe her. Have I mentioned that I have e-mailed her at least once a month begging her to spar with me? Well I have. Turns out she was forwarding those to The Man. Now she's asking him to 'make me' leave her alone. Wow. You send one (or 5) taunting e-mails to a stranger and they get all bent out of shape... so I sent her one more. Just for closure. Oh, and by the way, even in the midst of this, The Man and I don't 'make' each other do anything. We're adults. We present situations and the other one decides what path to take. I chose this:
Geez
Calm down, woman.
First, I'm sorry that I assumed that you were someone else. Second, I'm sorry that I on-line taunted you, but in all fairness, you never gave me reason to a) believe that you weren't the person that I suspected or b) believe you - since you never followed up with the requested proof. Frankly, when you backed off, it made me even more sure that you were lying.
ALSO, I'm not 'bothering' you. I'm simply responding to the e-mails that you sent to my husband, but that's all over.
I'm done. I guess you are too.
Take care.
Oh, I almost forgot to ask you - how bad is it that I sent The Man's main 'girlfriend' like... 4 really ugly taunting, poking e-mails yesterday and today? Really bad? Well, too late. I already did it. She won't play either. What is it about these gals? They're perfectly happy to talk smack about me if they think that I don't know about it, but they won't stand up to me - even on-line?! I guess it's one thing to fuck somebody else's husband in secret, but when faced with the actuality of her, it becomes less fun?
On that note... good night.
First, there are a few (very minor) layout changes to the blog. Check out my profile pic. That's me right now - partially submerged in case of emergency. If need be, I can close up my nostrils and dive for safety. You heard me. I'm a hippo. Also, I changed the header. I'm no longer poking the bear, I'm just talking about me. I am going to leave all of the previous posts intact. They were my truth at the time.
Second, I'm a tap dancer. Not in real life. In real life, I'm a terrible tap dancer - just ask my last teacher. She would yell things like 'Ba-da-da-da-DUM' and expect me to do the corresponding step immediately. She expected this because I had taken tap dancing before in my life - when I was 13 (and I wasn't that great at it then). When she knew me, I was 25, overweight and awful at tap. But I digress (Kittyn, does that make me part of the team?!). The tap dancing that I'm talking about is a diversionary tactic. If things are going poorly, I plow ahead full-steam as though everything is fine and I know exactly how to fix it if they're not. Usually when this occurs, I am also a bit wan faced and have a scarily manic look in my eye. You know. Tap dancing. 'Look over HERE! Not over there. Everything's FINE! I've got this!!!'
My hope is that this time around I will not tap dance. While I don't plan on wandering around looking lost, pathetic or hopeless (mainly because I'm not), I also don't plan on becoming manic and crazy trying to prove that everything is all right. Because it's not. But there is no need for crisis mode either. No one is in any danger.
I would like to promise myself to try and take this as it comes. No borrowing of trouble. No idealizing of possible outcomes. Just live in my now and breathe. I can do this. Whatever 'it' ends up being.
Oh, By the by. I have to poke one more time. Whoever that woman was that sent the info in February, she's alllllll worked up now. She thought that I would thank her for the info, and her feelings are hurt that I got all crazy angry and didn't believe her. Have I mentioned that I have e-mailed her at least once a month begging her to spar with me? Well I have. Turns out she was forwarding those to The Man. Now she's asking him to 'make me' leave her alone. Wow. You send one (or 5) taunting e-mails to a stranger and they get all bent out of shape... so I sent her one more. Just for closure. Oh, and by the way, even in the midst of this, The Man and I don't 'make' each other do anything. We're adults. We present situations and the other one decides what path to take. I chose this:
Geez
Calm down, woman.
First, I'm sorry that I assumed that you were someone else. Second, I'm sorry that I on-line taunted you, but in all fairness, you never gave me reason to a) believe that you weren't the person that I suspected or b) believe you - since you never followed up with the requested proof. Frankly, when you backed off, it made me even more sure that you were lying.
ALSO, I'm not 'bothering' you. I'm simply responding to the e-mails that you sent to my husband, but that's all over.
I'm done. I guess you are too.
Take care.
Oh, I almost forgot to ask you - how bad is it that I sent The Man's main 'girlfriend' like... 4 really ugly taunting, poking e-mails yesterday and today? Really bad? Well, too late. I already did it. She won't play either. What is it about these gals? They're perfectly happy to talk smack about me if they think that I don't know about it, but they won't stand up to me - even on-line?! I guess it's one thing to fuck somebody else's husband in secret, but when faced with the actuality of her, it becomes less fun?
On that note... good night.
First Step?
When you find out that you are the spouse of an addict, what do you do? Do you 'stand' next to them, sort-of near them, or in another room? Where do you begin to draw the lines of 'what you have done is unacceptable'? How do you continue to parent together? How do you define what's left of your marriage?
How in the hell do you go from being in the best time of your marriage to the absolute worst in an instant? What are you supposed to do?
Why do I have to lose my husband and my best friend in one fell swoop? Why can't any of it have been real?
Is there a chance that he'll ever be healthy enough to fix this?
Am I strong enough to walk away?
How in the hell do you go from being in the best time of your marriage to the absolute worst in an instant? What are you supposed to do?
Why do I have to lose my husband and my best friend in one fell swoop? Why can't any of it have been real?
Is there a chance that he'll ever be healthy enough to fix this?
Am I strong enough to walk away?
Thursday, June 2, 2011
And So It Transpires:
That I am a rube.
That I e-bitch slapped some stranger. Not to say that she's not her own brand of psycho (wouldn't know), but she's not the psycho I thought she was. Oh, and she was telling the truth.
That all of my internet sanctimony about love and fidelity was delusion.
That The Man has a serious addictive compulsion... and probably sociopath tendencies. He knows that he has a problem, and the first word out of his mouth when confronted was 'help'. While it would be good for him if he means it, the truth is it's a fantastic cover and a truly masterful dodge/parry tactic.
That I am wounded. Deeply, horribly wounded.
That I e-bitch slapped some stranger. Not to say that she's not her own brand of psycho (wouldn't know), but she's not the psycho I thought she was. Oh, and she was telling the truth.
That all of my internet sanctimony about love and fidelity was delusion.
That The Man has a serious addictive compulsion... and probably sociopath tendencies. He knows that he has a problem, and the first word out of his mouth when confronted was 'help'. While it would be good for him if he means it, the truth is it's a fantastic cover and a truly masterful dodge/parry tactic.
That I am wounded. Deeply, horribly wounded.
blech.
Found out more than I wanted to. Sick to my stomach. SOOOOOOOOOO, the girl who wrote to me in February was not who I thought. She was indeed a new girl.
The Man is a cheating, lying, whoring asshole.
The Man is a cheating, lying, whoring asshole.
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