Not Worth The Time

I didn't share this before, because I'm embarrassed that I did it. Apparently, I have no problem crowing my most private humiliations from the blog-tops, but this was done on a whim, and then I was mortified that I did it at all. I'm sharing it now because I need to hold myself accountable for my actions - even (and especially) the stupid ones.

The other night, after I talked to The Man about how his latest girlfriend was really into him, but she 'meant nothing' to him, I felt really bad. For her... 'cause I'm a hormonal wreck softie. So, as a follow-up to some of the nastiness that I had been sending her way, I fired this off:

From: (me)

To: (her)

Sent: Thu, June 9, 2011 10:27:43 PM

Subject: I'm sorry

I truly am. It seems that you may have really cared for him, and this has been a cruel and awful end to it. I let rage guide me, and I said hateful things.

-(me)

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Then I got this back:

Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2011 08:03:08 -0700

From: (her)

Subject: Re: I'm sorry

To: (me)

No ma'am, you have no reason to apologize.  Everything you said and did was done for good reason.  I deserved it.   If I could make it all go away, or hit rewind and erase it all, I would.  I never meant any harm to anyone.  I know how stupid that sounds but it's true.  When I read your email this morning I fell apart.  That email showed me what kind of person you really are, you are a good person.  The damage I caused you and your family is tearing me apart.  I know how much you must hate me and you have every right, but I swear right now, all I want to do is hug you and tell you how very sorry I am and cry.   I don't deserve your forgiveness but thank you.  I wanted to apologize immediately, but because of all your well deserved anger, I felt it best to take the punishment and try to cope with it, and it was very hard and hurtful and I saw myself very differently through your eyes.  I did not like myself at all.  That person I was reading about was really nothing like the person I am.  I really am a good person with a loving heart and yes, I made a horrible mistake, a mistake that will  haunt me forever.  And you are right, I do care for him greatly and considered him to be a good friend, one that I will truly miss.  But I give you my word, I will never cause you any more pain.

I have seriously considered taking my life to save yours.  And again, I am so so very sorry, I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.  

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Huh? Oi. Now I've stepped in it. Then I was annoyed, so I sent this off:

From:(me)
To: (her)
Subject: RE: I'm sorry
Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2011 13:07:22 -0500

We are not going to hug, and talk of suicide is a bit over the top. As angry as I am, I don't blame you. In an adulterous relationship, the blame lies with the spouse, not the partner they chose. You are not married to me, you don't owe me anything.

I hope that you want more for yourself in the future than a sex addict who is cheating on his wife to be with you. Everyone deserves more than that.

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Really? I had to end with the bitchy, backhanded 'compliment'? Why did I start this in the first place? So far, she's had more sense than to reply to me. I'm a viper in a rose costume.