Today was the day that The Man was scheduled to leave town for a 3 week trial. He was supposed to come home for the weekends, but that's still 5 full days of solo parenting. If you are not already a solo parent, this is a horrifying thought.
As angry and crazy as I've been, it still broke my heart to think about our daughter crying for her Daddy every night. I knew that this was what was in store for me because she cries her heart out any night that he's not home to put her to bed. The thought of 4-5 nights in a row made me tired and sad.
I was relieved that we were going to have some distance, but I already had a case of the crazies working. My mind raced like a coked-up lab rat, and almost none of it was pleasant. I spent all day trying not to cry. Our daughter knew that something was up all day, and had been alternately cranky and babbling non-stop about her daddy...
And then he walked in the door just after 7 p.m. I am really pissed about how relieved I was to see him. The baby was over the moon. She actually stuttered and stared at him for several minutes as though she wasn't sure he was real.
Their big case settled as they were finishing up day 1 at the courthouse. They jumped back in their rental car and raced home so that they could all surprise their families.
I don't even know how to begin to process my feelings. I'm still furious. I still feel betrayed and sad. I'm still acting crazy. I was happy to see him. What the hell is wrong with me?
My friends are trying, but the whole topic is so awful that they can't talk about it for more than a minute or two. My mom is too mad to talk AND she tries really hard not to give advice. This is great most of the time, but when you want so badly for it to just be fixed, you kind-of long for a buttinski mom. There are no codependents of sex addicts meetings in this town. What the hell? So he can go to a meeting any damn day of the week, but I have to flounder along without the support of anyone who knows what I'm going through?! Fantastic.
Not that it does much from afar, but you DO have support!
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up for wanting him there. Being a parent is hard enough and when you throw this crap into the mix it gets 10 times harder. You've got a toddler, you're pregnant, and your husband is being a douche. You are WELL within your rights to feel any way you want. Even if it's happy to see him. He's been your husband for many years, you can't just shut it off like a faucet. Do NOT beat yourself up. Do NOT! Take it one feeling at a time. You've heard it all before, i don't need to tell you all over again, but pick a mantra and repeat it. I don't care what it is, just do it! Mine was "This Too Shall Pass" and I'd repeat it in my head several ways. Sometimes chipper, sometimes sarcastic and pissed off, sometimes not believing it at all but needing SOMETHING to tell myself.
Sorry, this is probably not helping. I'm just aching for you!!
Thank you. It is helpful.
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