I kind of remember this from the very first go-round with the Slut Child. I swing wildly and without warning between raging-ly furious, calm, crying and asleep.
I am in the process of finding a local meeting of the codependents of sexual addicts group.
I have a session with a counselor on Tuesday.
The Man has already been to two meetings. While that's a great thing for him, it's hard for me. He's so thrilled to be taking action, and is already repeating portions of the steps as fact. I, on the other hand, have had no action to take and am completely bogged down in my rage. He's already cheerfully talking about 'later when everything's o.k.' It makes me want to slap him... again... shit. I still cannot believe that happened. I hit another person. I am so ashamed to have lost control so completely.
I slept for 2 solid hours this afternoon. Because of the whole pregnancy thing, I was out so solidly that the back of my head hurts and my jaw aches from grinding my teeth. The last dream that I had before the toddler woke me up was that a friend and I were repairing a piece of roof on a shopping center, and she fell. I was unable to catch her, and had to watch her fall, call 911 and then call her husband. Of course, I couldn't make the phone work, and she was dying in front of me while I tried to reassure her. Wow. Stress much?
If I had no children (actual or embryonic) to consider, I might crawl into a bottle or my bed (or both) for a while. It's a huge blessing to have them both. They are keeping me functional and forcing me to be much more positive than I would normally be. The Lord knows what he's doing. Not only am I aware that I can handle this, I know that I have to.
Oddly enough, last time it got this bad... wait, this is the worst. shit... I was pregnant. Excellent timing, Sir. Way to keep me out of the bars.
This pregnancy feels different than the losses. With the first one, I was excited, but when the spotting stated, I was secretly convinced that it was over. I kept up hope, but lost the pregnancy anyway. The second one was also exciting, but I felt like it wasn't mine from the beginning. I was sad when I lost the pregnancy, but sure that it was the right thing. This time, I just feel calm. I'm having all sorts of almost constant aches and cramps, but I'm not worried. It feels normal... more normal than anything else does right now.
Oh mama.... my heart is aching for you right now. Don't feel bad- I slapped my husband too. Well, that's not entirely true. I smacked his back over and over while he was face down on our bed. He showed her the punch marks when she came to comfort him after I left with our 3 month old.
ReplyDeleteHe didn't use protection either and guess what? She has HPV. She found out a few months ago. So now it's the hurry up and wait game because he can't be tested. I'm supposedly still clear but I don't know how long it takes to rear it's ugly head. I've heard it can lay dormant.
With being pregnant... well, I was too when I first found out. 8 1/2 months in fact. I attribute my calm to that as well. Thank God for them indeed. If you need a shoulder, you have my info.
Also- I'll slap him for you if you want :) Maybe that'll make you feel better instead of feeling bad you did it yourself
Thank you so much for sharing that. It's nice to know that others lose control too.
ReplyDeletemessaging you on BC about HPV :-)
Oh sweetie... I've lost control a LOT. I smashed his phone into the wall, I've broken things, screamed at the top of my lungs, stormed out, said HATEFUL things, and just been plain mean. Your world has been shattered and it's time to focus on YOU and your children. He needs to go get help on his own, you can't be there for him right now. Later? Maybe. But it has to be YOUR choice and YOU have to be in a healthy place for that. Sigh. I'm giving you huge internet hugs.
ReplyDeleteI had forgotten that I did all of those things the first time around! As soon as you said 'phone', I totally remembered.
ReplyDelete