The tiny obsessive hamster in my brain is stuck on his wheel. As it turns, I hear 'If it's all so unconnected to 'us', then why did it kick into high gear when we decided to try for another baby' over and over and over.
Until the first of this year, The Man's addiction was fairly low-key. Then, like a switch was flipped, it jumps into a frenzy of activity, and moves from occasional personal meetings to desperate need.
He refuses to admit a connection. We're going nowhere.
I need a place to talk. I need an outlet. Spewing my nonsense onto the web doesn't fix anything. Right now, I feel muted. I feel like there's not a space for my feelings. I know it's not the truth, but I feel like The Man having an addiction and seeking help means that I have to keep quiet and not vomit my anger and confusion onto him when he walks in the door.
Today, I went up to his office to talk to him. I just couldn't spend the whole day making myself crazy without saying anything. I don't feel any better. He has no answers. He can't tell me how to rebuild my trust in him. He doesn't have some magical spell that would reveal any remaining secrets to me and assure me that there's not more of this shit waiting around the bend.
Today is a bad day. Today I'm barely treading water. Today I futilely beat my fists against imaginary walls and demand answers from the air. Today I'm going back to bed.
I don't want to sound like I'm either stating the obvious or pretending to really and deeply understand your situation, as only you know that better than anyone, but is all of this worth it? Is it time to walk away? I know there is a shitload of history, there are kids involved, there is pain and betrayal and, yes, even love in there. But look what this is doing to you! And that can only trickle down to your daughter, as much as you're trying to remain strong for her (those little girls of ours are pretty smart...I believe they sniff out our baggage for sure.) I know you said you cannot afford for him to leave. But, man, this is killing you. And I'm so freakin' angry reading your posts. Addiction or not, he has treated you poorly. You are clearly stronger than I, girlie. Keep your head up.
ReplyDeleteI agree with GJT - I do not believe that you are going to be able to heal properly with Don there. You HAVE to find a way to get him out. Better yet - let him worry about the details. If he needs to sleep in his office for the time being - so be it. He has to take real responsibility for his past actions - blaming them on an addiction without truly seeing his part in all of this is not going to help either of you move forward. I hope you have better days soon and remember to choose what is right, not what is easy. You will make the right choice every time.
ReplyDeleteI love you both dearly. Thank you for the support and the input.
ReplyDeleteJust popping by to let you know you're in my t&p's! I know nothing can be said to make it any better so just a reminder you have LOTS of support!
ReplyDeleteBIG HUGS!