Wiped Out

Today I said some things that were harder for me than just about any other moment in my life. Considering what we've been through in the past few years, that's saying a lot.

I had to ask my husband to move out. I then had to explain to him that it wasn't up to me to figure out how that would work, where he would stay or where the money would come from. That this was happening because of the choices that he made, therefore he was responsible for working through it. Not me.

I didn't say it out of anger or hate or spite. I believe that I said it from a place of love. I really do love him. I truly hope that our marriage can survive this. That makes it even more important that true acceptance of the situation takes place so that true healing has a chance to begin. As long as he's here, I'll make excuses for him and rationalize his actions because it would truly be easier to keep him here. Without him, I'm a single parent. Without him, I lose my best friend. Without him, I sleep alone in our bed.

I've been making my decisions based on what would be easiest for all of us - less disruptive. What I need to do is make decisions that can lead to positive change. Our daughter will feel the disruption. It will be hard. It will be better for her if she has the chance to grow up as the daughter of a recovering sex addict than the daughter of an active sex addict. She also needs a mother who can show her that how to set healthy limits, not one who acts like a doormat or takes the easy way out.

I'm not cutting him out of my life. If he wants to, he will always be a part of our daughter's life. If he really wants to, there's a chance that we can save our marriage.

The next part of the process is going to be hard. Recovery is not something that happens because you decide to go to meetings. Recovery begins when you hit rock bottom and decide to make huge changes in the way that you live your entire life. Recovery from addiction takes place every single day for the rest of your life. There is a chance that The Man will not succeed. I don't have any way of knowing how this will go down, and it is completely out of my control. The only thing that I can do is take care of myself and our babies. His recovery is 100% up to him.

I will NOT spend my life worried that my husband is cheating on me. I WILL have a life filled with love and light. I WILL be a woman that my daughter can look up to.