Bad Dream

This morning, I had the oddest dream. The Man and I were sitting side-by-side and he was using the computer. I leaned into him and said 'whatcha doin'?' The computer screen showed an instant message conversation that he closed before responding 'nothing'. 'Who were you talking to?' I asked. 'Well, I hate to tell you... but... you know... since you were pregnant... um... you-know-who showed up again...' I was instantly furious. I told him that his last chance had just been used up. Then I demanded that he dial her phone number immediately and hand the phone to me. I was going to put paid to this right off the bat. I woke up at this point, and I expected to feel angry and disoriented the way you do when you are coming out of a really crummy dream. I didn't. I felt fine. I knew immediately that it was just a dream and that it had no basis in fact. I was immediately pleased that dream-me was so confident and had acted so decisively.

I think I know where it came from. An on-line friend told me yesterday that her husband just asked her for a divorce. When people say things like that to me, it stirs up weird feelings like sediment from the bottom of my well of well-being. I am tempted to blurt out my whole story so that they know that I understand what they are going through instead of sitting back and letting them talk through their own pain. Yesterday, I ended up doing a little bit of both, but I feel like a struck a good balance. Since we were communicating by e-mail, I gave her a few sentences of my story for background purposes, then told her that I was available for ranting, non-ranting and any other kind of communication that she needed.

Each time that thoughts of the affairs come up these days, I can feel the continuing healing. Each instance is less painful. I can mention what I'm thinking of in a calm way, and the thoughts don't linger. We're both able to acknowledge what has come up, breathe easily and affirm our commitment to and love for each other. Then we move on with our day.

I finally feel like we're healthy and strong enough to heal and move beyond this. It feels good. Like spring sunshine on closed eyelids.