The alarm on my cell phone went off at 11:00 today. 'Midwife Appt.' was the message that flashed. Tomorrow I would have been 10 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow I would have heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time.
I braced myself for a wave of sadness. It didn't come. Instead, I felt exhausted. So drained that I felt like I needed to nap immediately. I packed up my daughter and her things, and took leave of our friends. We made it home, had lunch and are puttering quietly until nap time. Now I feel sad. Not devastated, but sad. That baby wasn't mine to keep. The next one will be.
The Man asked me just a few days ago when we were going to start trying again. He wasn't sure when it would be 'o.k.' or even if I was ready. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I do feel ready. I feel calm and happy when I think about our next child. I don't feel anxious or stressed about making it happen on a time table. I feel assured that it will happen when it's supposed to.
I'm sorry you had a rough day. I can't imagine how that had to have felt.
ReplyDeleteOn another note,I just wanted to tell you it's helping me, reading your blog. Thanks for sharing. I'm the one that sent you a message on BBC about being in a similar position. Thanks for the response
Thank you - I'm glad it helps. It sure helps me to write it! Message me any time if you want to vent or talk - aintelmosworld(at)yahoo(dot)com or over on the BBC :-)
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