ugh. birthdays.

I have to admit - this 'second blog' thing feels a bit freeing. I have a lot of things to say about how I feel since the affair(s), and I do not feel free to say them on my first blog since it's all about what's going on now. Dragging this into what is currently a baby news, craft and cooking blog doesn't feel like the right thing to do.

This time of year is hard for me. It has been since even before the affairs (that's right, Crazy, you're not as special as you had hoped. There was someone else). Oops, some venom leaked out. One of the things that I hoped to do with this blog was to heal this wound from the inside out. This may take some time. Sorry, Mama. Keep reading with my blessing. Back to my point - I implode around my birthday. I've done this for a while. Birthdays are a time for me to take stock. It's not that I find my life lacking in the process, it's more that it's different than where I expected to be, and I always need some time to adjust my view.

Add in the recent craziness, and I have a small maelstrom brewing. A tempest in my coffee cup. I'm not jealous. I'm not doubting. I'm just still mad. I want to know that the 'extra' e-mail accounts are gone. Not because I think that he's using them, but because having them open leaves a window for doubt to creep in.

I want to clean out old e-mails, and I have. I ended up keeping things associated with the affair and the woman involved because I think that it is important to remember how it got so bad so that it can't creep up on us again. I even kept the weirdness from her husband about how he wished us well, yet wanted to make sure that it was over. It actually reinforces how strong we are to see how we were manipulated before.

My blessings were accentuated on Valentine's Day. Baby Girl and I ran into an acquaintance at Starbucks. She read a book to the Darling One, and we gave her a heart sticker. She fawned over my daughter, and mentioned that she was on her way to 'see her Valentine'. Before I remembered her situation, I said 'YAY!' Then I remembered that she was a widow. We both teared up then she said 'I just wish that I didn't have to go where I do to see him'. Oh Jeez. They were each other's second marriage, and neither had children. She treasures the time that they had together, yet misses him desperately. He died over a decade ago. I am a mess just thinking about them. I hope that when our time comes, that I can miss The Man without regret. I want our life together to be what we both want it to be.

Huh. Well, Happy Birthday to me... wait, I am ME. I am strong. I am happy. I am loved. I have love. I am blessed... o.k. good. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! :-)