Anatomy of a Loss

You probably don't want to read this. It's a very graphic post. I'm writing it in order to clear it out of my head - like a Harry Potter pensieve. This is my outlet.

I’m not even sure what to say. I feel like writing about what actually happened might help me make sense of it, but it won’t. Because this doesn’t make sense. There isn’t a cut and dried reason for what is happening.

On Tuesday, I bent down to pick up The Toddler, and felt a small rush of fluid. It was a small amount of blood, and it stopped soon after.

On Wednesday, the same thing happened. I called the midwife group. I was told that it’s fairly common to spot when you squat down… and not to squat.

Wednesday night, I started cramping and the spotting continued. I called the on-call doctor. I told him that I was worried that I was miscarrying, but I didn’t think that there was anything that could be done if I was. He he was very kind, and he confirmed my thought, but said that I was always welcome to head to the ER if I felt overwhelmed or in medical danger.

I spent Thursday on the couch hoping to stop the spotting. The Toddler was strangely accommodating. We watched tv and napped. Later that night, I called my mom and cried a lot.

After I dropped my sweet girl off at Parent’s Day Out on Friday, I called the midwife group. My bleeding had increased. They asked me to come in immediately for a sonogram.

The sonographer's room had a big tv screen mounted up near the ceiling. When she began, I could see the embryonic sac and a circle that should have had a beating heart. I tried to tell myself that she was taking still images in order to measure. Then I took a deep breath and said 'there's no heartbeat.' She very kindly said 'no, I'm so sorry, but there's not. My measurements are showing right at six weeks. I take it that you're farther along than that?' 'Ten weeks' I said. She was amazed that I could interpret the image. 'Are you a nurse too?' 'No. I just pay attention...'

I went back to the midwife for a consultation. She was wonderful. Just the right mixture of sympathy, information and anger for what I had to go though. She told me that I had had a 'missed miscarriage' - the embryo stops growing, but your body doesn't get the message right away, and still thinks that you're pregnant.She offered to set up a d & c, but agreed that allowing my body to take care of itself was a healthier option. She prepared me for the fact that it could take up to another month before my body was ready to cleanse itself. We talked about how emotionally hard it might be to wait. She offered to test any tissue that I was able to keep for chromosomal anomalies - no thank you. She told me that I could meet with a neonatologist for testing before we tried for another pregnancy. She hugged me for a long time.


I thought that since I had miscarried previously, that I knew what was in store. I didn't ask enough questions.

As I drove home, a loop began to play in my head... 'the baby stopped growing at about 6 weeks. 4 weeks ago... My body has been carrying a dead embryo for four weeks. All this time I’ve been bloating, nauseated, dealing with heartburn, making plans. My body still thought it was pregnant. I look pregnant. I bought new maternity clothes.'

My mom and dad took the baby girl for the night. The Man told me that I am beautiful, and took me out on a date. He was wonderful. He took all of his cues from me. He took me to a movie and plied me with wine. He took me home and stuffed me with more wine and some dessert. We were just… together.

The next morning, I woke up just before my mama called to say that our darling was awake and asking for me. She brought her home, and since I felt fine, the two of us headed out for The Man’s office to help him rearrange his furniture and clean up.

I should have stayed home. I started contracting in earnest around 9 am. Soon after, I felt the pressure on my tailbone that signals movement down and out the cervix. The Man kept the baby girl occupied. I spent the next hour and a half breathing through contractions every 5 to 10 minutes and losing blood and tissue at a steady rate. I felt like a lunatic. Acting normal then running to the bathroom. We weren't the only ones there, so I had to keep it together and I was in so much pain that I couldn't drive myself home.

I finally had to leave. I had The Man drive the kiddo, and I drove his car. By the time I got home, I was crying so hard that I almost couldn't see.


I continued to contract and cramp for all of Saturday. I spent most of the day alone in our bedroom resting and trying to nap.


Sunday, I lost a little more tissue, and continued to bleed heavily.


Monday, I felt pretty good when I woke up. I even scheduled a playdate for The Toddler and a lunch date for me, but by the time we got back to the kiddos, I was feeling odd, and my bleeding had been steadily increasing for several hours.I eventually had an extremely intense contraction cycle, and passed a very large amount of tissue. When that happened, my heart rate shot up, and I was nauseated. I almost passed out. I called mama to come and take me to the emergency room. We dropped The Toddler off with friends, and called The Man to meet us there. 


I was convinced that I was hemorrhaging. I could feel blood rushing out of my body, and I almost passed out several times on the way there. When I was admitted to the ER and the nurse was helping me change, there was almost no visible blood. They did a long ultrasound and a pelvic exam. I'm fine. No problems. No remaining tissue. My cervix was closed. By the time we left (maybe 2 1/2 hours later), I felt fine. Let me rephrase that - I felt physically fine, but I was completely bewildered by how awful I felt earlier, I was angry at myself for having scared my family and friends, and I was furious that we had to spend $150 to be told that I was fine. By the time we got home, I felt crappy again.


I was very uncomfortable for the rest of the night. Looking back, I'm fairly certain that the cramping I felt then was my uterus contracting down to it's normal size, but at the time I was terrified that there was something really, really wrong and I was afraid to say anything because I already felt like The Boy Who Cried Wolf.


Tuesday, more bouts of tailbone-tugging contractions. More heavy bleeding and lots more clots. Wednesday, same as Tuesday. I started to get worried again. If all of the tissue is gone, why is the bleeding still so intense, and what is trying to clot? I finally caved in and called my midwife again. She empathized with my frustrations, but told me that I was still within the range of 'normal'. Everybody's body reacts differently. Since I felt like the bleeding had slightly decreased, she was encouraged. She said that since my cervix had closed, the rounds of contractions were actually opening it again to release the built up blood. She told me to wait another day or two, and if the bleeding increased or didn't continue to decrease by Friday afternoon, then call her again. A few hours later, I lost ANOTHER piece of tissue. How could they have missed it? It was not tiny! Almost immediately, the bleeding slowed to practically nothing.


By Thursday morning, my baby belly was gone. The boating finally stopped - my intestines are working again!


It's Friday, and I finally feel more like me. I'm in regular clothes. I'm not in pain, and the bleeding is almost over. I PLAYED with my baby girl instead of encouraging her to play by herself. I got stuff done for our family.


Now I just have to make the space to deal with the emotion of what just happened. The physical part I understand. I hate it, but I get it. Now is the time when I have to bury the baby I never got to meet and say good bye. I'm not ready.