What's Different?

So, I finally got around to voicing my biggest concern to The Man : 'What has changed? You used to spend hours on your addiction. That time has to be filled. How are you filling it without the addiction?'

You see, I've been anxious a lot of the time. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. It has felt like he's telling me that  just flipped a switch and he's all better. I know that this cannot be the truth, so my fear has been that he's just lying. It's not outside the pale for me to think that. I mean, he was actively keeping a huge secret from me for almost three years. What makes me so sure that he's changed?

What he was able to tell me last night is that he's conducting his days differently. In part, he works through the twelve steps if he has a quiet minute or needs a break. Or he does part of a crossword puzzle. Mostly, he keeps a careful eye on who he wants to be, and the consequences of choosing his addiction over what he knows to be right.

Apparently, in addiction, there are three circles. The inner circle is feeding your addiction - acting out. The middle circle is the things/actions/situations that lead you to follow your addictive patterns - it leads directly to the inner circle. The outer circle is regular, healthy behavior. The key is to be keenly aware of your middle circle, and to observe your triggers before they set you off.

Having this knowledge helps. I like the idea of him having steps to follow and things that keep him from allowing himself to act out... but it doesn't keep me from acting like an asshole in my own head. I've gotta figure out what will help keep me in my own outer circle.