What Now?

It hasn't even been a month. It has only been 28 strangely long days since I opened a giant can of worms disguised as a secret e-mail account. It feels like a lifetime ago.

Since then, I've become even more pregnant, even more sweaty, and even crazier. Despite The Man's fervent protestations to the contrary, I'm convinced there are more secrets left. That there is more waiting around the bend. I feel like there's a giant cartoon hammer waiting to fall... on my head.

Because of the way he went about everything - conducting encounters during work hours and on business trips - I have no idea how to begin to rebuild some sort of trust. I was so sure before that his hours completely precluded that kind of activity. That they were signs of his commitment to me and to our family. Finding out the lengths that he went to in order to deceive me means that I am left with no certainties other than a deep and abiding surety that he could be doing whatever (whoever) he wants in any. damn. moment. that he is not with me.

Part of me says 'go ahead. Do it. Fuck up again 'cause I'm outta here if you do.' The rest of me says 'Please let him be sincere. Please give him the strength to be the man that he claims to want to be.'

Since my initial fury subsided, I have been left with the deep feeling that I want this relationship to work. I understand that this sounds delusional and maybe even sad. I understand that there is still a HUGE chance that we won't make it, but I want to try.

I still need an outlet. I am driving myself crazy trying to figure out if there is anything left and/or new to find. The Man has offered to attend couples therapy or to let me go by myself if I want to be on my own.

The other night, I freaked out again, and he said that if I needed for him to leave, he understood, and would figure it out. He said that when I said it the first time, he didn't get it, but he does now... but honestly ya'll, having him gone would SUCK for me. Even without the pregnancy, I am so drained mentally and physically by raising a two-year-old, that I don't know how I'd do it alone. A lot of days, I am completely unconvinced that I am cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I know that I could do it alone. Of course I could. I just feel like every damn thing is so hard right now. The thought of intentionally adding another hard thing infuriates me. So he stays, and we do the best that we can. Most days, that's actually pretty good.

So where does all of this leave me? I have NO idea. Hopefully by continuing to write, talk and stay in motion, I can progress in some fashion. While I absolutely hate not knowing what's next, I am beginning to accept that whatever is next, it will not happen tomorrow. There will be time involved. For both of us. He needs time to figure out what it means to live as a recovering addict. I need time to figure out if trust can be rebuilt here.