Don't Want To

Ya'll, I am FREAKING OUT. The next step forward is just more awful than I can contemplate right now. Let me just tell you now that this is about to get graphic and awful... again... I couldn't throw away my baby. It was more than I could bear. I kept as much tissue as I could (it's in the freezer), and now I have to deal with it.

My mama found a box for me, and with the help of a friend she found some liturgy to read. I just don't know if I can handle something so structured.

This baby didn't make it any farther along it's journey than the others, and I didn't have anything to bury with them. It's my body that created this situation, and it feels weird to put the focus on this particular pregnancy when it shouldn't have been any different than the others.

Today I contemplated building a fire in our chiminea and saying goodbye on my own, but I don't want to presume that The Man doesn't need to be there... maybe it's important to him to say good bye as well... I don't know what he wants, and that worries me. He's been so busy lately that he's not here even when he's around. I'm working overtime at not freaking out. This is how his addictive cycle starts. He lets himself compartmentalize in order to get through what needs to be done for work, and then he's able to keep compartmentalizing and rationalizing... but it's not my battle to fight. It's his. All I can do is be a living reminder of why he wants to recover. Of course, I'm so whacked out right now that I'd pretty much kill for an addiction of my own to retreat into... o.k. fine. I don't really want that... but I'd dearly love a reason to act out.

I feel lost right now. I feel desperate to claim control over SOMETHING. Anything. I want to go back to work. I want to contribute to our family and this world. I want to stop losing my temper with my daughter. I want to get some sleep that feels like rest. I want to stop worrying that The Man will fall into addictive patterns. I want to feel as confident as I keep telling everyone that I am.

What the fuck am I going to do with the baby?